Many of my posts here are about the oddities I find living in Italy as an American, but the reverse holds true as well. Having spent so much time in Italy, when I come back to the states, there are things that are normal to Americans, but rub me the wrong way because of my time in Italy. One of these that really gets to me is how we describe food in the states.

Italian culture truly does revolve around food. It is so important, that an Italian company really can’t get away with slick marketing terms that are misleading. That is, if something is marketed as “fresh”, it damn well better have come from the farm 15 minutes ago. But in the states, all of these terms to describe food have become meaningless. So here is my list of terms I find to describe food in the states that make me say “Are you freaking kidding me???”

Fresh
How many times have you been in a restaurant that advertises “The Freshest Ingredients”? Really? Are you treating me like I was born yesterday? I mean, everyone does it, from chain restaurants to fast food establishments. That tomato that you advertised as “Fresh” likely came from a greenhouse on another continent weeks ago. Spare me.

Home Made
How many restaurants offer home-made pie? Home made meatloaf, home made just-about-everything? So, did your chef make this at his house this morning and bring it to work? Why on earth do we respond to this?

Artisan
So I walk into some fast food restaurant and see an “Artisan” sandwich advertised. ARTISAN? To begin with, How on earth does ARTISAN apply to food? Do they have some little old man in the back with a lifetime of experience sculpting the ingredients into a work of art? I mean, fast food assembly line sandwich shops advertise “artisan” food. Please!

Hand-Crafted
Put this up there with artisan. What is “Hand Crafted Roast Beef”, anyway? How do you hand-craft that? And if you do, do chain restaurants really do it? I think not, so why use the term and treat your customers like idiots?

Hand-Cut
Again, like Hand-crafted, and used ad nauseum. So the meat in your sandwich is hand cut. Does that make it better? Really? Do you honestly hand-cut it?

Pan-Fried
I see this on menus all the time, like Pan-Fried Salmon. I have just one question: How else would you fry the salmon? In a pressure cooker? In an oven? In the sink? I don’t get it.

Cooked to Perfection
How many times do you see a description on a menu that tells us the food is cooked to perfection? How else are they supposed to cook it otherwise?

100% Real
This fist struck me on a pizza box from Papa John’s. 100% Real Cheese? Are they telling me that other Pizza uses fake cheese? That may be so, and great that theirs is real… but what is the other pizza made of? How sad is it that we have to wonder if our cheese is actually cheese!

Real Fruit Flavor
I love seeing this on juice drinks. So which it? Real Fruit? Or Real Flavor? Are you telling me that the flavor is that of REAL fruit, but it is fake? Am I supposed to get excited that it doesn’t TASTE like artificial fruit, even though it really is artificial? Or are you trying to pull one over on me, thinking I will believe you are selling me real fruit, when in fact only the flavor is supposed to taste real? Huh??? Argh!!

Natural Cut
Hello Wendy’s! Are you trying to tell me that your “Natural Cut Fries” are naturally cut? Or that the fries are natural, and you cut them?  Perhaps they are natural fries that you cut naturally? Because a quick google search will show anyone that there is very little natural about Wendy’s natural cut fries.

OK, I’m done with my rant… for now.

In our business, we meet people from all over the world. Small World stories can be expected from time to time. You know, “Hey! That person is my neighbor”, or “We went to the same school”, or “we have friends in common”. It just happens. But every once in a while, one of these things comes up that truly boggles the mind.

How on earth do I begin setting the stage for this one, anyway?

A few weeks ago, we had a reunion in New Orleans with some past guests that had been on one of our tours in Italy. One day, we put together a crawfish boil, and we put a bunch of other past guests together that lived in the area. In all, we were about 20 people, that represented 5 separate tours of ours in Soriano. Everyone bonded, and it was amazing. That was that.

The following day, I happen to notice a person that had “Liked” our Facebook page. It wasn’t a name I recognized, which is absolutely normal. But it also showed that the person had two friends in common with me. Also not strange. It was WHO we had in common that made me scratch my head.

Her name was Anne. Our common friends were “Kirby” and “Cissy”.

How I know Cissy:

In 2011, someone named “Connie” came on one of our tours in Soriano. We became friends, and later in 2011, Paola and I visited New Orleans, and went to visit Connie. We had a big dinner at a gas station turned restaurant in the middle of nowhere in Convent, LA called “Hymel’s”. While at that dinner, we also met “Cissy”, “Dennis”, “Scott”, “Rhett” and “Glynn”. The restaurant belongs to someone named “Joanne”

Dennis and Cissy are close family friends of Connie. booked a trip with us in Soriano, and came in May 2012.

Scott, who is Connie’s cousin, also booked with Glynn, Rhett and Vince. They came on a Soriano tour in September 2012.

How I know Kirby:

Kirby is my niece. What more can I say? Born and raised in Los Angeles. I can’t even imagine if she has ever even been to Louisiana, let alone this tiny little middle of the nowhere place! I’ll say now that Kirby is married to “David”, who I know is originally from Texas. Still, how on earth can Kirby and Cissy have a common friend on Facebook?

So I had to send “Anne” a message and ask how this connection existed. She wrote back, telling me that David is her son. She continued that she had grown up down the street from Cissy in Texas. When she saw photos of Cissy at the reunion, she wondered if it may have been the same place David and Kirby had been the same year.

In fact, David and Kirby came on one of our tours in Soriano, TWO MONTHS after Dennis and Cissy. It also turns out that I met Anne at David and Kirby’s wedding.

I explained to her that I knew Cissy from the year before when we had been visiting other past guests in Convent, Louisiana.

She replied, asking me who those guests were, and mentioned that she was friend’s with Joanne, telling me what a great restaurant it was.

I explained that the restaurant from the year before was Joanne’s place… and that the reunion we had done the night before was at her house. I also explained that the past guest in question was Connie.

So it turns out that she knows all of Connie’s family, as well.

Time goes by, and we have another reunion just yesterday, but this time it is in Florida. Scott, Glynn, Rhett and Henry are at THAT reunion. So we got to talking, and I told the whole story. Scott contacts his mother, and it turns out that Scott’s mother ALSO grew up on the same street as Anne and Cissy!

So of course, I contacted Anne and let her know. It also happens that we have yet another reunion happening next month, only this time it is in Texas. So I invited Anne. After all, we have got to get together and laugh about all of this, right?

She responds not only that she will be there, but David and Kirby will be in Texas visiting that day as well!

OK, long, complicated, and all… but I just had to share this small world story!

Just ten miles from our home base of Soriano bel Cimino is the city of Viterbo, which is practically unknown internationally. However, this city of roughly 65,000 residents holds a place in history that is especially relevant as of this writing. A new Pope is about to be selected by the Roman Catholic Church, and the process we are all about to watch unfold before our eyes started right here.

Most think of the Vatican as strictly a Roman place, and a few are aware of the Avignon Papacy, when for a period the Popes actually resided in France. But even fewer know of The Viterbo Papacy, a period that lasted several decades in the 1200′s, during which Popes were living in Viterbo because it was just too dangerous for them to live in Rome. This is not just some short period that lives as a footnote of history, but a very significant period. It is where the tradition of the Papal Conclave began, and the story behind it is fascinating.

So as we are about to watch our televisions with images of black smoke coming out of a chimney in Rome. As we listen to the pundits talk about which Pope will be selected, and how long it will be before we see white smoke come out of that chimney, read on to see how it all started. After all, Viterbo is home to the longest papal election in history and the first ever conclave.

It all dates back to the year 1257, when Pope Alexander IV made the decision to remove the Papal Curia from Rome. At the time, violence in the city was increasingly troublesome, and there was a great deal of hostility between the church and the Roman commune. He decided to move roughly 80km away to what was once a bishop’s palace in Viterbo. The church enlarged the palace to create a new location suitable for the Popes.

When Alexander IV died, Jacques Pantaléon, the Patriarch of Jerusalem had just returned from the Crusades to seek help for oppressed Christians. While there, the Pope died, and after three months, he was made Pope, taking the name Urban IV, and marking the first non-cardinal to be elected Pope in the later middle ages. During his four year papacy, he lived partly in Viterbo, and partly in Perugia.

Once Urban IV died in 1264, Pope Clement IV was elected in Perugia. It was still far too dangerous for him to enter Rome, as the anti-papal Ghibelline party was in complete control there, and he ended up taking full-time residence in the Papal Palace of Viterbo for his three and a half year papacy. It was just after his death in 1268 when things began to get very interesting in Viterbo, and Papal history was made.

The Papal election of 1268–1271

The election has gone down in history as the longest papal election, lasting one thousand and six days! It resulted in major changes to the process that are still in use today, and it all happened in Viterbo.

In the beginning, the cardinals would meet once daily in the Viterbo Cathedral, then return to their respective residences. However, there was tremendous infighting between the cardinals at the time, who formed factions, mostly French versus Italians, that could not come to agreement. During this period, three of the twenty cardinals died, and another resigned his rights.

For roughly a year, the vote happened daily with no results. More than anyone, it appeared that the most likely choice was going to be Filippo Benizi. However, he felt unworthy, and when he realized he was the likely choice, he fled to avoid election.  It seemed it would never end.

This resulted in a complete deadlock seventeen months into the process. The people of Viterbo were getting restless, and were advised be St Bonaventura of Bagnoregio to take action. The people decided to finally lock the Cardinals in the Papal Palace. Still with no agreement, they began to ration the cardinals to bread and water. Finally, out of utter desperation, they tore the roof off of the cathedral to allow better access for the holy spirit to get to the Cardinals and inspire them!

Finally, under growing outside pressure, the cardinals agreed to elect a committee of six in September of 1271. Within two days, a new Pope was finally elected.

The new Pope was Teobaldo Visconti, a nobleman from Piacenza. He was the second non-cardinal to be elected Pope in the later middle ages, but to take it a step further, he wasn’t even a priest! He was crowned Pope March 27, 1272, and took the name of Gregory X.

The Papal Conclave

Pope Gregory X was determined to make sure another prolonged election would not happen. During the celebration of the Second Council of Lyon, he established the Conclave in the Ubi periculum constitution, heavily based on the measures the people of Viterbo took to stop the stalemate that resulted in his own election.

When a pope died, the cardinals with him were to wait ten days for other cardinals to arrive. Then, each with only one servant, they were to meet in the palace where the previous pope died. They would all be locked in “cum clave” (By Key) a common room with no partitions. This is the origin of the term “Conclave”.  Nobody would be allowed in or out, and there was to be no communication with the outside world. No messages were allowed to be sent out, and the penalty for breaking these rules was nothing less than excommunication. One window was allowed, through which food would be passed to the cardinals.

If, after three days, they had not come to a decision, their food would be rationed. If, after five days, no decision had been made, their rations would then be reduced to bread, water, and wine.

In fact, the next Papal Conclave after Gregory X’s death lasted only one day.   Since then, there have been many changes to the Conclave, but the general concept remains, and this was the first time it ever happened.

So as we wait for the white smoke to come up the chimney, think of Viterbo where the Conclave started.

As November comes to a close, so does the Olive Harvest in Italy.. So what better time than this to talk about the absolutely amazing experience we had this month harvesting olives and making our own olive oil in Umbria?

Liquid Gold.  The one thing that I make sure I bring back to the states every year.  After all, as I tell our guests, we can get good wine, good leather, good ceramics, etc. back in the states.  We may pay more for it, but it is there.  But no matter how much I try, I can never find decent olive oil.   At least nothing that compares to what I get from the olive mill we get our oil from.

Every week during our vacations, we take our guests one day to a tiny little olive mill and winery at the border between Latium and Umbria, in Orvieto country.  When we arrive, we take them into the mill to show them how the olive oil is produced.  This is one of Italy’s few remaining “Traditional” Cold Press mills…  The one with the giant stone wheels.  The one known to produce the absolute best of the best.

Week after week, we describe what they would see if the mill were in operation, and it takes some imagination.  After all, this places only goes into operation for a few weeks a year beginning in November when the olives are ready.  But one of our groups this year chose to brave the risk of cold and rain in order to not only see it in operation, but to be a part of the olive oil making experience.  While we were not sure how it would all turn out, it ended up being what was possibly the most exciting day we have ever had on our vacations.  We Came.  We Harvested.  We Made Olive Oil.

We started out our morning as we do each and every morning in Soriano.  We all met at the local coffee bar & pastry shop for breakfast.  We dad our “Espresso”, “Cappuccino”, and our “Cornetti:, then boarded our minibus, headed for the village of Castiglione in Teverina, just south of Orvieto, Umbria.   We stopped at the mill and met with Serena, one of the owners and a close friend.  We loaded crates, tarp, clippers & gloves, then followed her to a remote olive grove in southern Umbria.

One by one, we got off the minibus and made our way to the olive grove.  For a couple hours, our group split into smaller groups, each tackling one tree at a time.  We laughed and had a wonderful time picking olives & taking pictures on what turned out to be a beautiful sunny day with the “Dying City” of Civita di Bagnoregio as our backdrop.

When all of us had decided we had picked enough olives, we walked back to the minibus, carrying our crates full of newly harvested olives.  We loaded them into the back, climbed aboard, and headed back to the mill.

Once back at the mill, two by two, we carried the crates inside and set them on a large floor scale to see what we came up with.  All said and done, we had harvested 110.5kg (~225 pounds) of olives.  We then picked them up and dumped them into a large container inside the mill which then loaded them into the grinder where two massive millstones began to turn and crush them.

For about a half hour, the millstones turned nonstop, grinding our olives into a thick paste, while we headed into the old wine cellar, just a few feet away.  While visiting the cellar, we tasted a few of the white wines the winery here produces while having some Bruschetta that was made with the “NEW” olive oil that had just been pressed the day before..  We also had the opportunity to do a taste comparison between the new oil and last year’s oil, so that we could have a better understanding of how much better the brand new olive oil was…. AND IT WAS!

After our brief tasting, we headed back to the mill once again.  Our olives were all crushed and ready for the next step of the process.  While we only expected o be harvesting olives today, our friends at the mill had a very unexpected surprise for us.  As it turns out, we were also to operate the mill today!

One by one, guests that wanted to wore an apron and stood in front of a machine next to the grindstones.   The olive paste was loaded into a sort of large food processor.  Each guest would place a fiber disk on top of a turntable, then press a button that would start the table turning as olive paste was spread onto the disk.  Once it was spread around the entire disk, they would press another button that would cause a mechanical arm to pick up the disk, lift it and place it onto a large cylinder.  The process would repeat over and over, stacking the disks on top of one another as our guests operated the machinery one by one.

When the stack of disks layered with olive paste was tall enough, we wheeled it all over to the olive press and it it into operation.  The oil began to slowly drip along the sides of the press, and we headed into another room for lunch.

While we were operating the press, tasting wine and oil, and visiting the old wine cellar; Serena’s mom was upstairs preparing lunch for us.  We were served a wonderful assortment of local cold cuts, local cheese, Tuscan beans, fresh garden salad, and much more.  During our lunch, Serena opened up a selection of their red wines, one by one, so that by the end we had samples all seven of their amazing wines.  Finally for dessert she brought down cups of fresh ricotta cheese that had been made that day by her neighbor, then smothered in Acacia honey produced by a close friend.  As always, it was truly and amazing lunch.

Our bellies full and our sobriety in question, we walked back over to the mill once again.  While we were eating an drinking, our stack of disks had been pressing away, extracting  all the juice from the olive paste.  The olives have water content as well as the oil, so they must be separated.  The juice drips from the disks, and gets pumped into a container up by the ceiling that gravity feeds it into a centrifuge.  Out one side of the centrifuge, the water is drained.  Out the other side, a golden-green liquid gently flows… Liquid Gold!  Olive Oil.. just pressed from olive harvested from their trees less than three hours prior.

One by one, each of us took a one liter can and kneeled by the spicket.  We each filled our own can of olive oil that we had just made from harvest to pressing.

When it was all over, it was getting dark.  We hopped back on the minibus to go home to Soriano, each of us clasping onto our can as though it were a priceless treasure.  Each of us had smiles from ear to to ear, having just had one of the most amazing experiences of our lives.  To say the day was pure magic is an absolute understatement.  It was all we talked about for the rest of the week.

Every week on our tours, we visit this olive mill.  But only one week each year do we have this experience.  Only once do we get to actually see it in action, be a part of the process, and make it ourselves.  It is a source of incredible pride for us, because as a company that is all about cooking & culinary vacations in Italy, we know what a unique experience this is.  You will find a few others that include harvesting for a day.  You will find some that let you see a mill in action.  But that we know of, we are the only company that actually has its guests making the olive oil at every stage… especially in one of Italy’s few remaining traditional cold press olive mills, and what a difference it makes!

>> More info on our Olive Harvest Week can be found by clicking here.

Paolo and Marisa are, by all accounts, your typical everyday Italian farmers.  That is, with one big exception:  Their farm happens to be across the road from us…  those crazy people that bring all of the Americans to town…  Yes, Canadians, Australians and Brits, too.. but to them, they hear English and simply think “Americans”.

A fun, and to some degree, macabre tradition began three years ago.  A guy named Steve visited with his then girlfriend, Jessica.  He was a guy from Jersey with that classic dry, sarcastic, irony-ridden sense of humor.  He walked over to the farm, spotted a pig, and simply exclaimed two words:  RAMON JAMON.  Yes folks, he named the pig.  While it is widely considered a bad idea to name your food-to-be, I was right there with him, video camera in hand…. And for those of you that have been reading my blog, I’m that guy from L.A. with that classic dry, sarcastic, irony-ridden sense of humor.  I just couldn’t let it be.

While Steve left, I couldn’t let it go.  I had to humanize Ramon.  I went on to shoot hours of video.  People meeting Ramon, people feeding Ramon, interviews of people after having met Ramon.  The end result was a video I put up on the web that has gone on to be one of our classics:  “They Called Him Ramon” (View the video on YouTube).

A year later, Ramon (or at least part of him) was the prosciutto in our kitchen, and there was a new pig in the pen.  He had an attitude… not too friendly.  Still, the tradition continued.  As fate would have it, Steve and Jessica returned to get married in Soriano.  We waited for them arrive before we named the new pig.  When they did, we took this new pig’s attitude into account and called him “Jabba The Pig”.  Yes, Star Wars fans, he was big, ugly and mean.  The name fit.

All of this brings us to our 2010 season.  We were back in Italy, and Jabba was now the prosciutto in our kitchen, and there was a new pig in town.  He was a different kind of pig… nothing like Jabba.

The new pig was cute and adorable.  He was friendly and social.  He even had one blue eye and one brown.  But at the end of the day, he was a big fat pig.  So we thought of an appropriate name for a big fat teddy bear of a pig.  We called him Sumo.  Sumo The Pig.

As with years past, all of our guests met him, but unlike with Jabba, Sumo became extremely popular.  People fell in love with him.  They would feed him while talking to him like a puppy.  They would get saddened by his fate.  They connected.

The unparalleled love for Sumo gave him a life like no other pig.  All season long, people would set food aside to feed him, making Paolo and Marisa very happy farmers.  Sumo got his very own FaceBook profile, and boasts more friends than most humans!  (Visit Sumo’s FaceBook).  His genealogy has been traced and blogged (Read The “Our Year in Italy” blog about Sumo).  Songs have been written and sung about him (Watch the “We Love You Sumo” video), countless people have featured Sumo in their Facebook profile pictures, and elaborate escape plans have been made to secure Sumo’s future.

But the road to hell is paved with good prosciutto, and Sumo is a pig that was born with destiny.

Sadly, last Friday Sumo met his last visitor.  He had his last scrap of leftovers given by someone wishing for his freedom.  All Sumo has left are Paolo and Marisa… The people that will, in two months time, help Sumo fulfill his true destiny.

As our 2011 season starts, our kitchen counter will be home to a new prosciutto, and as with every year, there will be returning guests that knew Sumo, knew Jabba, and knew Ramon…  and as with every year, they will quickly get over it as soon as they taste some of the best prosciutto they have ever had.  Prosciutto that can only be the product of months of loving feeding by visiting guests.

There will be a new pig in the pen.  We will assess his personality and give him a name as we do every year.  If he is even half the pig Sumo was, he will be a delight to all.

Sumo, you will be truly missed.

Anyone that has learned a second language knows all about those embarrassing moments when they were trying to say one thing, but unknowingly said something completely different. In most cases, the thing they actually wound up saying is something that would never say on purpose.

With that in mind, this is my tribute to those moments.  I’ll share some of MY most embarrassing moments while trying to communicate in Italian over the years, as well as some of my wife’s while learning English.

Forgive me in advance for some of the profanity you will find here.  It certainly was never intended when it was used  :-)

“It Was a Good Year”

I’ve always had trouble with the pronunciation of double consonants in Italian.  I would pronounce a word with two T’s or one the same way.  The nuance has always been a chore for me.  Usually it is no big deal.  People get what I am saying from the context.  But it can get you into trouble.  “How have things been, Michael?”  “Well, it has been a good year!”.  Ok, harmless enough, right?  The problem comes with the word “YEAR”.  In Italian, it is “ANNO”.  But fail to put the right emphasis on   that Double-N, and you are actually saying “ANO”, which means “ANUS”.  Ouch!

“The Roofs Are Beautiful”

Learning Italian, one often finds themselves unsure if a word should be using masculine or feminine form.  It is “La” or “Il”  Do I tack on an “A” or an “O” or an “E”.  Again, context usually takes care of it for you so that you are understood, but sometimes that understanding comes at the expense of a good laugh.  So for future reference, remember that the Italian word for roof is masculine, NOT feminine.  Otherwise you may find yourself describing beautiful “tits” (tette), rather than a beautiful “roof” (tetto).

“I Was Sweeping”

“What was all that noise upstairs, Michael?”  “Oh, I was just sweeping.” – Harmless enough, right?  But like any language, slang offers itself to some very interesting double meanings, and the less ‘appropriate’ is the one that always comes to mind.  The verb “To Sweep” in very common Italian slang refers to… well, let’s just say the vulgar form of “To Make Love”.  You can finish the rest of this thought to your own conclusion .

“The Food is Full of Preservatives”

This actually happened to Paola (Native Italian!), so it can happen to anyone.  Sometimes we try to translate a word by using the English form with an Italianzed suffix (or prefix).  It usually works, extending your vocabulary greatly!  But sometimes you fall flat on your face… VERY FLAT.  Paola was at a grocery in Italy one day, talking about the difference between food in America and food in Italy.  She was trying to say that the food in America was generally full of preservatives.  PRESERVATIV(ES)….   PRESERVATIV(I)…  PRESERVATIVI.  It makes perfect sense.  Only one problem.  The word “preservatives” in Italian is “conservanti”.  “Preservativi” means “CONDOMS”.  So somewhere in Italy there are people that have been told American food is made with condoms.

“There Are Mice!  Dig Through The Mound of Dirt Slowly”

It’s not always what you SAY, but what you HEAR.  When I first moved to Italy, I spoke no Italian.  As I was beginning to learn, my marginal comprehension got me into trouble more often than it helped me.  In one instance, I was down at what is now our villa, helping Paola’s parents with some gardening.  Communication was a challenge, but I really wanted to help.   At one point, Paola’s father handed me a shovel. I heard him say: “Blah Blah Blah MICE Blah Blah Blah PIANO TERRA.”  OK, I can do this!  I picked up enough words to grasp some, and the rest I could grab from visual cues. I know I can do this… put it all together, Michael!

1. He’s handing me a shovel.  I need to dig something.  Check.
2. He is pointing in that direction, and I see a mound of loose dirt.  Check.
3. The last word he said was “TERRA”.  I know that word!  It means DIRT!  Double-Check.
4. Mice… Mice… Could it be that “Mice” is the same in Italian?  They must have a problem with mice.  Check?
5. PIANO.  I know this word means slow.  Why on earth does he care how fast I do this odd task?  Whatever… Check.

Is this guy messing with me?  Whatever, I am dating his daughter.  What am I to do?  So I took the shovel, and walked over to the mound of DIRT.  I started to SLOWLY shovel the DIRT, all the while wondering if MICE would start scattering.

As I do this, Paola’s parents are looking at me like I was from Mars.  They walked over to me, laughing like crazy, saying BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.  Her father gestured for me to follow him past the mound to a house under construction.  He took me to the first floor, where there was a giant pile of corn, and started shoveling some corn into a bag.  I was thoroughly confused.

Later, Paola explained it to me.  MICE was not ”MICE:.  It was “MAIS”, meaning CORN.  PIANO TERRA was not “SLOW”…”DIRT”.  “PIANO” also means “LEVEL”, and “TERRA”, also means “GROUND”… GROUND FLOOR.

“Take this shovel and get some corn on the ground floor”.  Over there, PAST the mound of dirt.  Argh!

From Italian to English

Nobody is safe!  These things happen from any language to any language.  For every mistake like this I have experienced or heard of while learning Italian, there is one Italians do when learning English.  Here are a few of my favorites:

“Two Cokes With Ice, Please”

For an Italian, the nuance between the word “Stoke” and “Stock” is a difficult one.  Paola learned this the hard way one day in England.  She was in a pub and wanted to practice her English in placing an order.  She went up to the bartender and carefully asked for “Two Cocks with Ice, Please.”  Suddenly everyone broke out in laughter, and she was dumbfounded.  She went through it in her head.  She learned that in England they said “Coke” instead of Coca Cola.  OK, got that!  She remembered that in England it was proper to always say “please”.  Check.  What on earth are they giving me a hard time about?

So she repeated it once again, slowly… and carefully.  ”TWO… COCKS… WITH ICE… PLEASE”.  They continued to laugh, even more this time!  Finally one of her friends pointed to a glass of Coke, and said “C  O  K  E”, then pointed down below and said “C  O  C  K”.   Can you immagine how red she turned when it all fell into place for here?

“He was being such a Hassle”

Stop and think about how that might sound coming from someone without complete command of the nuances of English pronunciation.  It caused some serious undue stress for Paola.  Ok, say “HASSLE”.  Now say “ASSHOLE”.  If you are not 100% sure, it is very easy to get the two confused.  Need I say more?

“The Beaches Are Beautiful”

Perhaps one of the most common, I cannot begin to stress how many times I have heard an Italian describe how beautiful the “Bitches” are in California.  Perhaps it isn’t always a mistake?

“The Sheet Is Dirty”

Do I really need to explain this one?

“Would you like a Blow Job”

I’ll close with one I just heard recently.  Paola’s hairdresser in the states is an Italian immigrant, and he told this story of his earlier days doing hair in the States.  Yes, he was trying to ask a customer if she wanted a “Blow Dry”, but he had clearly heard the term “Blow Job” somewhere, and accidentally made this connection.  How I would love to have been a fly on the wall that day!

Come On, Share!

If I keep thinking, I could come up with a hundred more of these, and anyone reading this that has lived in a different culture, and learned a new language will have countless stories of their own.  Italians in The States, Americans in Italy, Germans in England… whatever.   I would love to hear your stories!

As we learned with Alfredo Sauce in the “Who is Alfredo Sauce, and Why do Americans Keep Asking About Him? ”, that which you believe to be Italian, very often is not.  Since we do culinary vacations in Italy, you can imagine how many people come with certain expectations about Italian food, only to learn… well, NOT Italian.  Some of these things I list may seem obvious to you, but everything I list here has been an expectation by more than one person.

Hoagies / Sub Sandwiches

About ten years ago, a friend came to visit us in Italy.  He spent about a week, and when he was about to leave, I asked him how he liked it.  His immediate response was that he was actually quite disappointed with the food.  I naturally asked him to be more specific, and his response was that he had really been looking forward to having a really good Italian Hoagie in Italy. I explained that there was nothing Italian about a Hoagie, but that didn’t make him any happier.  It didn’t really sink in.  He had this expectation, and it simply was not met.

A Hoagie (or Italian Sub) is really nothing more than an American sandwich with Italian-inspired ingredients, but it is by no means Italian.  As Americans, we live our lives with the belief that more is always better.  “Extra Cheese”, “Mile High”, “Super Size”,  “Everything on it”… I could go on ad nauseum.  So an American walks into an Italian deli, and when ordering a sandwich, it has to have everything under the counter in order to be good.  The Italian Hoagie is born.

In Italian culture, more is not better.  It is all about balance.  So a hearty sub (It would be called a Panino in Italy) will have a delicate mixture of a few ingredients.  The closest you will get to your Italian Hoagie is a baguette with a little prosciutto, a little mozzarella, and a few tomato slices.  Balanced ingredients to create a symphony of flavors, not “stacked high with more”, therefor better.

There was an Italian deli in our neighborhood in Los Angeles.  The owner was an Italian immigrant who had owned this place for years.  There was a tacit understanding there when you ordered a sandwich from him. If you walked in speaking Italian, you hardly had to order.  He knew what to do, but business is business, so if you were not speaking Italian, he made the “mile high” hoagie, shaking his head all the while.

Olive Oil Dipping Sauce

Find me an Italian restaurant in the states that doesn’t bring out bread and dipping sauce.  Naturally you would think it is Italian.  But in Italy, bread is eaten plain.  No butter, no sauces.  After you eat a dish of pasta, or a second course that is saucy, you may pick up some of the sauce with the bread.  Yum, that is called “Scarpetta”, but it is generally considered poor table manners.  But you will never see olive oil dipping sauce.  Tourists will walk into restaurants and see olive oil, vinegar and salt at the table, then will instantly make their own dipping sauce.  The thing is, those are there for salad, since in Italy you dress your own.  When a waiter not accustomed to tourists sees this dipping concoction, they will wonder what on earth you are doing.  They won’t stop you, but I can pretty much guarantee that they are talking about it in the kitchen.  Don’t these people know the salad condiments are not for bread?

Italian Salad Dressing

Since I am on the subject of Italian salad, there is no such thing as Italian Dressing.  Pick up any bottle of “Italian” salad dressing and read the ingredients.  You will see oil, vinegar, peppercorns, hot pepper, rosemary, garlic, oregano, basil, black pepper, parmesan, sugar, thyme, etc.  As I explained with the Hoagies, it is a complex recipe of Italian-Inspired ingredients with the more is better attitude..  But if any Italian tastes this stuff, they will likely spit it out in disgust.  You will NEVER find this stuff in Italy.  Dressing for salad in Italy is simply Olive Oil, Vinegar, and Salt.  Period.  Salad is always served with no dressing so that you can do it yourself to your taste.

Spaghetti & Meatballs

OK, you can get Spaghetti with a red meat sauce (Bolognese) just about anywhere.  You can get meatballs (Polpette) just about anywhere.  But together?  For the love of God, don’t you have ANY standards?  After all, everyone knows that two types of food shall never touch the same plate!    This may seem ridiculous to you, but this is a really big deal in Italian culture.  The spaghetti is a ‘first course’, and the meatballs are a ‘second course’.  The thought of having them together is unheard of, and to take it a step further and have them on the same plate?  Oh my, sacrilege!   Additionally, those meatballs would never have the sauce from the pasta.

Italian Ice

Growing up I used to love having “Italian Ice”.  In Italy, there is nothing like it.  I think Italian ice derived from something called Granita, which is more like a slushy.  Granita is very similar a Slurpee, except it is a little more coarse.

Pepperoni Pizza

Order a pizza with pepperoni in Italy, and be ready for a shock.  You will get bell peppers on your pizza, not the spicy salami we call pepperoni.  You may even see the term ‘pepperoncini’ and think you are in the right neighborhood.  You are not; this will yield you a pizza with crushed red pepper.  What you think of as pepperoni is actually called “salame piccante”, but you will never see it offered as a type of pizza.

While on the subject of pizza, you also won’t see extra cheese, pineapple-ham, BBQ chicken pizza, etc.   Pizza is usually much more traditional in Italy, but I have to admit that in recent years, I have seen many pizzerias in Italy get pretty bold.  I know of one place that makes a “Hot Dog & French Fries” pizza.  They also have an “America Pizza”, which among other ingredients that make me lose my appetite includes Ketchup & Mustard.  With that in mind, while Italians once got offended at the thought of pineapple & ham on a pizza, on this subject they no longer have any culinary high ground to speak from in my opinion .

Lattes

So a man walks into a bar.  He orders a latte, and walks out with a glass of milk.  Another man walks into a bar and orders a “Venti Latte”.  He walks out with TWENTY glasses of milk.  Huh???  When I go to Starbucks and order a Venti Latte, I get a large cup of coffee and steamed milk.  Don’t these Italians know anything?  Well, they know that “LATTE” means “MILK”, and “VENTI” means “TWENTY”.  So the man just asked for twenty cups of milk… and got just that.

We had a guest fall into this once (not the twenty part).  He ordered a Latte in a coffee bar, and then walked up to me with a glass of milk and a puzzled look on his face. “Why is there no coffee in my latte?”  When I explained to him that latte simply means milk, and if he wanted coffee in it, he would need to order “Caffe Latte”, he simply responded, “Well, it’s just not the same without coffee.”  No, it is not.

While there are many ways to order coffee in Italy, they are mostly focused on coffee and milk.  They don’t have any of the candy flavors and complex options we have.  You will never find a “Grande Cinnamon Dolce Half Caf/Decaf Mocha Cappuccino”.  You will just find “Cappuccino”, and it can be “Caf” or “Decaf”.  There are all kinds of other options, but that is the subject of another post.

On that note, the coffee will very rarely be served in a take-away cup.  We had one guest get truly upset about this when they ordered a cappuccino, and it was served in a ceramic cup.  She simply couldn’t understand the reasoning behind the ceramic cup.  “What if I want to take it with me?”  The coffee culture in Italy is not like it is here.  No form of coffee is intended to be consumed over a period of minutes or hours.  All coffee drinks are small and pack a punch.  It is more like doing shots.  You would never expect a shot of vodka to be served in a takeaway cup, would you?

The History of The Mummies of Ferentillo

The Mummies Today

It has always amazed me that some people suffer jet lag horribly, while others barely feel the effects at all.  Me?  I fall into the first group:  I used to dread every trip because I fall squarely on the top of the “Suffers Horribly” column.

Before I go any further, let’s dispel a myth:  You don’t get used to it.  At least I didn’t.  No matter how many times I cross that ocean, and no matter how often I do it, jet lag has always been up there with getting a bad flu for me.  But over time, I have learned how to minimize it.

What Is It?

Without getting into scientific mumbo jumbo, it is mostly about your body’s internal clock.  We all have it.  We all get hungry at dinnertime, right?  That is one part empty stomach, and one part our silent brain alarm going off saying ‘time to eat’.  We have silent alarms for going to bed, waking up, etc.  Some of us have more of a precision timepiece in our noggins. Are you the person that sets the alarm clock, and usually wakes up just before it goes off in the morning?  If so, welcome to my world!  We have a finely tuned internal clock, and jet lag gives US a serious run for our money!

In a nutshell, your internal clock runs at rhythm day by day, then suddenly you speed over to Europe at 500mph, and your clock is out of whack!  West Coasters suddenly feel hungry for dinner, but it is 4:00 AM.  East Coasters suddenly wake up feeling as though they had slept all night, but it is only 1:00 AM.   You feel awake when it is time to sleep.  You want to sleep when it is time to eat.  You are dead tired when it is time to be awake.  Arrghh!!   You are miserable, and cannot enjoy your vacation.

Step Right Up!  Cure Jet Lag with this Magic Pill!

Over the years, I have seen jet lag cures come and go more times than I can count.  As chronic dieters jump on very miracle diet, I have jumped on every miracle jet lag cure, thinking THIS MAY BE THE ONE.  I’ve tried the pills, the homeopathic remedies, the melatonin cure, etc.  I even tried the “Jet Lag Diet”, in which I had to go on an insanely controlled diet for a week before flying.  The only thing these helped with was the excess weight in my wallet.

I’ve tried all the behavior changes that people would write about over the years ad nauseum.  Don’t sleep on the plane, sleep on the plane, switch to the new time zone a few days in advance, sleep when you get there, don’t sleep when you get there, etc.  Whatever I did, jet lag always kicked my derrier.

Then Suddenly I Found My Cure!

No, I didn’t.  I just kinda wish I had, so I had to write that.  Seriously, though, over time I did develop a routine that helps minimize it.  It is a formula of behavior and diet (with a little pharmacy action) that is taken a little here and a little there from everything I have done over the years.  Is it perfect?  No.  But I no longer dread it.  Read on and take my advice.

Planning Your Flight

Fighting Jet Lag starts with minimizing stress (all kinds!). When I plan my flights, cost is always an issue, but I always balance it out with flight time and connections.  The more stressful the flight is, the worse my jet lag will be.  Longer flights bring more stress.  More connections equal more stress.

If you are coming from the west coast and have the luxury of being able to stop over for a day or two on the east coast, it will help tremendously.

If you can get an upgrade to Business or First Class, go for it!

If you are in coach, I strongly suggest an aisle seat as close to the front of the plane as possible.  The aisle will allow you to get up and move more easily (explained later), and the forward of the plane is not as noisy as the rear, which will reduce stress.

Order a special meal if you can.  All airlines offer special meals for people with allergies or restricted diets.  Many of them will offer you a vegetarian meal that is usually fresh fruit and veggies.  If you can, get this.  Trust me, the food you are missing out on is not only awful, but will mess with your system.  I’ll explain more later.

A Few Days Before You Leave

As I said, a big part of jet lag is stress.  The more rested you are on your arrival, the less you will suffer.    The more rested you are ON YOUR FLIGHT, the less you will suffer.  Start a few days before you leave.  Calm your life down.  Be sure to pack early.  Don’t get yourself in a last minute rush of packing.  Have your bags ready to go, by the door or in the car the day before you leave.

Eat light and eat smart.  Avoid anything heavy that will require too much energy to digest.  Think of the last few days as a couple days to purge your system.  Go high fiber, lots of liquids, etc.    This will take stress off your body during the trip.

Go to bed early and wake up early, but be sure to get lots of sleep.  If you can get yourself to bed just two hours earlier than normal and wake up just two hours earlier than normal, you will have gotten your internal clock 33% closer to Italian time if you are on the east coast, and   22% closer if you are on the west coast.  Many say it takes one full day to fully recover for every hour of time difference, so those two hours can be significant, right? DO NOT make this change at the expense of sleep.  Don’t go to bed normally, but wake up early.  You need solid sleep before you leave.

If you have an Ipod, load it up with very relaxing music to bring on the trip with you.  The kind of music you can sleep with in the background.  While you are at it, pack saline nasal spray, a travel tube of toothpaste, a toothbrush, and eye drops in your carry-on baggage.

The Day You leave

All of the above rules apply, but be sure to take it VERY EASY.  Everything should be ready.  If you can avoid going to work, that would be great.  Relax today.  Watch a movie.   Nap if you can.

Pack light, healthy snacks in your carry-on baggage.  Pretend that there will be no food served on the plane, so you will need to keep from being hungry.   This is very important.  Be sure you are aware of carry-on regulations when you choose what to pack.

Dress VERY comfortably.  Everything should be loose-fitting.  Bring a sweater, heavy socks,  and something to cover your legs, as it will be cold at times on the flight, but never sacrifice comfort.  Be sure your shoes are very comfortable walking shoes.

Before you board your flight, have a healthy meal that is easy to digest.  Don’t get a double-bacon-chili-cheeseburger, but make sure whatever you get is filling.

On Your Flight

First things first: Set your watch to the destination time zone and set your mind to it.  The moment your plane leaves, you are living your destination.

If it is night-time at the destination, set your mind to that time.  You may feel like you cannot sleep, but at least fake it.  Take the shoes off, get out that Ipod and put the relaxing music on.  Get comfortable.  Close your eyes, and meditate.  Do everything you would do if it were sleep time, even if the lights are still on.

DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!  (but not alcohol, coffee, or tea).  Keep yourself very hydrated at all times.  I always drink ginger ale if they offer it, since it is settling.  Stay away from caffeine, citrus, and acidity  that can keep you awake or upset your stomach.

REFUSE THE FOOD.  (Unless you were able to get a vegetarian meal) Let’s be honest.  Does it get any worse than airplane food?  Seriously, nothing good can come of it.  More importantly, however, airplane food is extremely high in sodium and can be unsettling for your stomach.  Keep in mind that the ‘unsettled stomach’ issue is a very big deal that can be magnified tenfold by the effects of flying.  If you don’t watch it, you will feel ‘gunky’ during the flight, and this will stress your body, making you feel significantly worse when you arrive.  I always take the tray, get the bread off of it, then give it back while asking for a little more bread.  If I got the vegetarian meal, I will take the fruit and the bread, while giving everything else back.

GET UP AND MOVE.  Besides the serious health issues that you risk by sitting in the seat too much (I won’t get into that here), it is very important that you keep your blood flowing and stretch every part of your body regularly.  I have a routine.  I get up once an hour and walk the plane for about 10 minutes.  When I get to the back of the plane, I stretch out all of my joints and muscles as best I can.  Yes, some people look at me as though I am from mars, but they don’t know what I know.

USE THE EYE DROPS AND NASAL SPRAY REGULARLY.  It is very dry in the plane, and that stresses your body.  Packing these things will be a godsend, especially later in the flight.

When it is daytime at your destination, be in day mode.  Watch a movie, take a walk, read.  If you are traveling with a partner, play some cards, and if you are feeling fatigue, give each other a little backrub.  Do everything you can to minimize the stress.  But still don’t accept the food!  If you are feeling tired, take little catnaps, but don’t allow yourself to fully sleep.

On The Layover

If you are making a connection before your final destination, what you do depends on how long your layover is.  If you have a tight connection, just get to your flight, of course.  But if you have a long layover, take advantage of the time.  Many airports have places that will give you a massage.  Do it.  If you can gain access to an airport lounge, go.  Some airports even have mini-hotels that you can use for longer layovers.  I once had a 7-hour layover in London.  They have a place called Yotel that offers little sleeping pods by the hour.  I got a solid four-hour sleep, and the most amazing shower I have ever had there.  If you have time, it will be the best layover you have ever had.

Finally, if you have time to eat during your layover, try to find light and healthy food if it is eating time at your destination.

Before You Land

Before you land at your final destination, you will want to freshen up.  Wash up as best you can.  You’re not going to feel great, but you will feel much better than you would have if you had not followed the advice listed above, and your jet lag will be somewhat mitigated, so let’s go!

When You Arrive

Get into the rhythm immediately.  If it is daytime, you may feel the urge to sleep, especially once you see a bed.  Don’t do it!  If you sleep now, you will have undone all of your preparation.  The best thing you can do is get out and experience Europe!  Sunshine and light are Anti-Jet-Lag Agents.   Walking minimizes the effects, too.  While you may find yourself in a hotel room suffering, you will feel much better once you get out.

Eat at regular times for your new location, and still keep it light and healthy for today.  You can go to bed at a decent time.  There is no need to try and stay up unreasonably late.

When you do go to sleep, you may wake up extremely early… wake-up time back home.  It is normal, but the worst thing you can do is to get up now.  Go grab that IPod, put some music on, close your eyes and meditate until the sun comes up.  You may not fully sleep, but you will most likely catnap without even realizing it.

The Silver Bullet

I’ve saved one little piece of my arsenal for last, because it may be controversial, and everyone reacts differently to various medications… Sleep Aids.  Over the years, I have tried many in by battle against jet lag.  Normal sleeping pills have never really worked for me, but they do for others.  I’ve tried Ambien, Sonata, and several others.  I would get to sleep, but would wake up in the middle of the night nonetheless.   But for many people, they completely do the trick.

One day I was telling someone what it felt like for me.  When I wake up at 2:00 AM in Europe, it isn’t that I am not tired or sleepy.  I am.  It is that my brain is running at a million miles an hour.  The brain is awake, but the body is exhausted.  I explained that it was a feeling of intense anxiety, but with nothing to be anxious about.  She asked me if I had ever tried Xanax. Before I continue, understand that I am the kind of person that really shies away from all kinds of drugs and meds, so the idea of Xanax was waaaaay outside of my box.  Still, she gave me some before a trip, and I tried it.  I ended up taking ½ of the smallest dose available, and my first night there, I slept all night.  The next morning I woke up feeling perfect.

Since then, I have gotten a prescription from my doctor, and continued to use it only for jet lag.  I’ll take that half-dose the first night.  The second night I take half that, and the third night I take half the previous night’s dose.  The fourth night I will take nothing, no matter what.  I am always worried about developing a dependency, so this is my rule.  It works for m, and I feel almost no jet lag at all every time I cross now.

Wrapping It All Up

All in all, as I said, eliminating jet lag just doesn’t happen (unless you are one of the lucky ones), but all of this will minimize it quite a bit.  Try to follow as many of the suggestions I made here, and you will easily cut your jet lag by a significant amount.  If you are one of those people that naturally doesn’t suffer jet lag, just know that the rest of us have a series of rather brutal personal insults for you

Seeya on the other side of the ocean!

Today I received a tweet from Melanie (Twitter: @italofileblog) at Italofile Blog asking me if I would be part of a mass-effort of Italy-focused bloggers to each provide a list of their five favorite Italian words, along with a brief description citing why each was chosen.

A bunch instantly popped into mind, and as I was thinking of them, I went to look at the post that started the whole thing, which had been written by Jessica (Twitter: @italylogue)of WhyGo ITALY (another fantastic blog) and 2 of the favorites listed there were also among mine (Zanzara and Dai).  Argh!  So I had to think of a few more.  No problem

1. Boh!?  (Bo)

Without question my favorite Italian word, as evidenced in this post of the same title! It means “I don’t know”, but means it with a certain attitude.  It is much more powerful than “I don’t know”, and this is one word I use no matter the language I speak.

It is important that when you speak the word ‘Boh’, you pur your hands out, shrug your shoulders and make a dumbfounded expression by looking up and fattening your lower lip.

Occhio (Eye or Watch Out!)

2. Occhio (Oh-Key-Oh)

Occhio means Eye.  Not so special, especially if you are speaking of someone’s eye.  But it also means ‘Watch Out!!!’, and when used in this sense, especially in a moment of urgency, it is often repeated.  It all comes down to the sound one makes while exclaiming:  Occhio! Occhio! Occhio!  Come on, say it with me:

Oh-Key-Oh-Oh-Key-Oh-Oh-Key-Oh! HOW FUN WAS THAT !?!?!

Now I have some friend from Padova who put their own spin on it thanks to their local accent.  Ready?

Oh-Cho- Oh-Cho-Oh-Cho! Yeah, the entertainment never ends.

3. Pneumatici  (Pah-Nay-Ooh-Mat-Eee-Chee)

Pneumatici (Tires)

Tires.  Yeah, just “Tires”  All of those syllables to learn the word “Tires”.  OK in fairness, the common word for tires is actually “Gomme” (Go-May), but that was the first word I learned, and it stuck forever as the biggest waste of breath ever.

Of course, when I learned the word “Gomme”, I couldn’t help but laugh, because the literal translation is… ready for it?  Rubbers.  “I’d like to buy some rubbers for my car”… “Of course you would, sir”

While I am on the word “Rubbers”, I’ll give one and all fair warning to never try to translate the word PRESERVATIVES without looking it up.  Trust me, it won’t go well.  They will not understand that you are talking about preservatives.  Instead, they will think you are talking about… ummm…  tires.  Yeah, tires :-)  Get it?

4. Burino (Boo-Ree-No)

Burino is, I believe, Roman dialect.   No, it does not mean “little butter”.  It basically translates to “Hick / Hillbilly / Country Bumpkin”, but is used on a much broader scale.   Essentially, whenever someone is so over the top that they become a characterture of whatever stereotype they embody, especially when they are out of their element.

Imagine you are standing on the street and a car drives up that is lowered to within inches of the ground, has shiny metallic paint, a chain-link steering wheel, and a battery of 20” subwoofers blasting from within…  A-Burino!

Get it?  I thought so.

5. Fattoria (Fat-Toh-Ree-Ah)

For the love of God, I have been speaking Italian for 25 years, and to this day something in me refuses to accept that Fattoria is not Italian for Factory.  That it is the word for “Farm” is somehow even more difficult to accept, but there you have it.  Old McDonald had a Fattoria, not a Fabrica (The actual word for Factory).

In Conclusionissimo…

No, that is not a word.  I made it up. The point is, that those are my five.  I have so many more, that I am going to have to do a part due (two) at some point.  I mean, seriously, who doesn’t want to hear what I think of words like “Ginocchio” and “Villano”?  This is important stuff, I tell ya.

In the meantime, the rules of this mass-post thingy request that I also list a few blogs that I think should join in on the fun.  It’s like a chain letter with no payday or risk of bad luck for not participating  So I think Bill and Carol from Our Year in Italy should join in on the fun, since they are my new Italian Neighbors and are learning the lingo.  I would also like to see Danielle from When in Rome Tours write one up, but most of all, I’d like to see Anthony of How to Tour Italy do one, since he seems to have fallen off the face of the planet .