Anyone that has learned a second language knows all about those embarrassing moments when they were trying to say one thing, but unknowingly said something completely different. In most cases, the thing they actually wound up saying is something that would never say on purpose.

With that in mind, this is my tribute to those moments.  I’ll share some of MY most embarrassing moments while trying to communicate in Italian over the years, as well as some of my wife’s while learning English.

Forgive me in advance for some of the profanity you will find here.  It certainly was never intended when it was used  :-)

“It Was a Good Year”

I’ve always had trouble with the pronunciation of double consonants in Italian.  I would pronounce a word with two T’s or one the same way.  The nuance has always been a chore for me.  Usually it is no big deal.  People get what I am saying from the context.  But it can get you into trouble.  “How have things been, Michael?”  “Well, it has been a good year!”.  Ok, harmless enough, right?  The problem comes with the word “YEAR”.  In Italian, it is “ANNO”.  But fail to put the right emphasis on   that Double-N, and you are actually saying “ANO”, which means “ANUS”.  Ouch!

“The Roofs Are Beautiful”

Learning Italian, one often finds themselves unsure if a word should be using masculine or feminine form.  It is “La” or “Il”  Do I tack on an “A” or an “O” or an “E”.  Again, context usually takes care of it for you so that you are understood, but sometimes that understanding comes at the expense of a good laugh.  So for future reference, remember that the Italian word for roof is masculine, NOT feminine.  Otherwise you may find yourself describing beautiful “tits” (tette), rather than a beautiful “roof” (tetto).

“I Was Sweeping”

“What was all that noise upstairs, Michael?”  “Oh, I was just sweeping.” – Harmless enough, right?  But like any language, slang offers itself to some very interesting double meanings, and the less ‘appropriate’ is the one that always comes to mind.  The verb “To Sweep” in very common Italian slang refers to… well, let’s just say the vulgar form of “To Make Love”.  You can finish the rest of this thought to your own conclusion .

“The Food is Full of Preservatives”

This actually happened to Paola (Native Italian!), so it can happen to anyone.  Sometimes we try to translate a word by using the English form with an Italianzed suffix (or prefix).  It usually works, extending your vocabulary greatly!  But sometimes you fall flat on your face… VERY FLAT.  Paola was at a grocery in Italy one day, talking about the difference between food in America and food in Italy.  She was trying to say that the food in America was generally full of preservatives.  PRESERVATIV(ES)….   PRESERVATIV(I)…  PRESERVATIVI.  It makes perfect sense.  Only one problem.  The word “preservatives” in Italian is “conservanti”.  “Preservativi” means “CONDOMS”.  So somewhere in Italy there are people that have been told American food is made with condoms.

“There Are Mice!  Dig Through The Mound of Dirt Slowly”

It’s not always what you SAY, but what you HEAR.  When I first moved to Italy, I spoke no Italian.  As I was beginning to learn, my marginal comprehension got me into trouble more often than it helped me.  In one instance, I was down at what is now our villa, helping Paola’s parents with some gardening.  Communication was a challenge, but I really wanted to help.   At one point, Paola’s father handed me a shovel. I heard him say: “Blah Blah Blah MICE Blah Blah Blah PIANO TERRA.”  OK, I can do this!  I picked up enough words to grasp some, and the rest I could grab from visual cues. I know I can do this… put it all together, Michael!

1. He’s handing me a shovel.  I need to dig something.  Check.
2. He is pointing in that direction, and I see a mound of loose dirt.  Check.
3. The last word he said was “TERRA”.  I know that word!  It means DIRT!  Double-Check.
4. Mice… Mice… Could it be that “Mice” is the same in Italian?  They must have a problem with mice.  Check?
5. PIANO.  I know this word means slow.  Why on earth does he care how fast I do this odd task?  Whatever… Check.

Is this guy messing with me?  Whatever, I am dating his daughter.  What am I to do?  So I took the shovel, and walked over to the mound of DIRT.  I started to SLOWLY shovel the DIRT, all the while wondering if MICE would start scattering.

As I do this, Paola’s parents are looking at me like I was from Mars.  They walked over to me, laughing like crazy, saying BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.  Her father gestured for me to follow him past the mound to a house under construction.  He took me to the first floor, where there was a giant pile of corn, and started shoveling some corn into a bag.  I was thoroughly confused.

Later, Paola explained it to me.  MICE was not ”MICE:.  It was “MAIS”, meaning CORN.  PIANO TERRA was not “SLOW”…”DIRT”.  “PIANO” also means “LEVEL”, and “TERRA”, also means “GROUND”… GROUND FLOOR.

“Take this shovel and get some corn on the ground floor”.  Over there, PAST the mound of dirt.  Argh!

From Italian to English

Nobody is safe!  These things happen from any language to any language.  For every mistake like this I have experienced or heard of while learning Italian, there is one Italians do when learning English.  Here are a few of my favorites:

“Two Cokes With Ice, Please”

For an Italian, the nuance between the word “Stoke” and “Stock” is a difficult one.  Paola learned this the hard way one day in England.  She was in a pub and wanted to practice her English in placing an order.  She went up to the bartender and carefully asked for “Two Cocks with Ice, Please.”  Suddenly everyone broke out in laughter, and she was dumbfounded.  She went through it in her head.  She learned that in England they said “Coke” instead of Coca Cola.  OK, got that!  She remembered that in England it was proper to always say “please”.  Check.  What on earth are they giving me a hard time about?

So she repeated it once again, slowly… and carefully.  ”TWO… COCKS… WITH ICE… PLEASE”.  They continued to laugh, even more this time!  Finally one of her friends pointed to a glass of Coke, and said “C  O  K  E”, then pointed down below and said “C  O  C  K”.   Can you immagine how red she turned when it all fell into place for here?

“He was being such a Hassle”

Stop and think about how that might sound coming from someone without complete command of the nuances of English pronunciation.  It caused some serious undue stress for Paola.  Ok, say “HASSLE”.  Now say “ASSHOLE”.  If you are not 100% sure, it is very easy to get the two confused.  Need I say more?

“The Beaches Are Beautiful”

Perhaps one of the most common, I cannot begin to stress how many times I have heard an Italian describe how beautiful the “Bitches” are in California.  Perhaps it isn’t always a mistake?

“The Sheet Is Dirty”

Do I really need to explain this one?

“Would you like a Blow Job”

I’ll close with one I just heard recently.  Paola’s hairdresser in the states is an Italian immigrant, and he told this story of his earlier days doing hair in the States.  Yes, he was trying to ask a customer if she wanted a “Blow Dry”, but he had clearly heard the term “Blow Job” somewhere, and accidentally made this connection.  How I would love to have been a fly on the wall that day!

Come On, Share!

If I keep thinking, I could come up with a hundred more of these, and anyone reading this that has lived in a different culture, and learned a new language will have countless stories of their own.  Italians in The States, Americans in Italy, Germans in England… whatever.   I would love to hear your stories!

Today I received a tweet from Melanie (Twitter: @italofileblog) at Italofile Blog asking me if I would be part of a mass-effort of Italy-focused bloggers to each provide a list of their five favorite Italian words, along with a brief description citing why each was chosen.

A bunch instantly popped into mind, and as I was thinking of them, I went to look at the post that started the whole thing, which had been written by Jessica (Twitter: @italylogue)of WhyGo ITALY (another fantastic blog) and 2 of the favorites listed there were also among mine (Zanzara and Dai).  Argh!  So I had to think of a few more.  No problem

1. Boh!?  (Bo)

Without question my favorite Italian word, as evidenced in this post of the same title! It means “I don’t know”, but means it with a certain attitude.  It is much more powerful than “I don’t know”, and this is one word I use no matter the language I speak.

It is important that when you speak the word ‘Boh’, you pur your hands out, shrug your shoulders and make a dumbfounded expression by looking up and fattening your lower lip.

2. Occhio (Oh-Key-Oh)

Occhio means Eye.  Not so special, especially if you are speaking of someone’s eye.  But it also means ‘Watch Out!!!’, and when used in this sense, especially in a moment of urgency, it is often repeated.  It all comes down to the sound one makes while exclaiming:  Occhio! Occhio! Occhio!  Come on, say it with me:

Oh-Key-Oh-Oh-Key-Oh-Oh-Key-Oh! HOW FUN WAS THAT !?!?!

Now I have some friend from Padova who put their own spin on it thanks to their local accent.  Ready?

Oh-Cho- Oh-Cho-Oh-Cho! Yeah, the entertainment never ends.

3. Pneumatici  (Pah-Nay-Ooh-Mat-Eee-Chee)

Tires.  Yeah, just “Tires”  All of those syllables to learn the word “Tires”.  OK in fairness, the common word for tires is actually “Gomme” (Go-May), but that was the first word I learned, and it stuck forever as the biggest waste of breath ever.

Of course, when I learned the word “Gomme”, I couldn’t help but laugh, because the literal translation is… ready for it?  Rubbers.  “I’d like to buy some rubbers for my car”… “Of course you would, sir”

While I am on the word “Rubbers”, I’ll give one and all fair warning to never try to translate the word PRESERVATIVES without looking it up.  Trust me, it won’t go well.  They will not understand that you are talking about preservatives.  Instead, they will think you are talking about… ummm…  tires.  Yeah, tires :-)  Get it?

4. Burino (Boo-Ree-No)

Burino is, I believe, Roman dialect.   No, it does not mean “little butter”.  It basically translates to “Hick / Hillbilly / Country Bumpkin”, but is used on a much broader scale.   Essentially, whenever someone is so over the top that they become a characterture of whatever stereotype they embody, especially when they are out of their element.

Imagine you are standing on the street and a car drives up that is lowered to within inches of the ground, has shiny metallic paint, a chain-link steering wheel, and a battery of 20” subwoofers blasting from within…  A-Burino!

Get it?  I thought so.

5. Fattoria (Fat-Toh-Ree-Ah)

For the love of God, I have been speaking Italian for 25 years, and to this day something in me refuses to accept that Fattoria is not Italian for Factory.  That it is the word for “Farm” is somehow even more difficult to accept, but there you have it.  Old McDonald had a Fattoria, not a Fabrica (The actual word for Factory).

In Conclusionissimo…

No, that is not a word.  I made it up. The point is, that those are my five.  I have so many more, that I am going to have to do a part due (two) at some point.  I mean, seriously, who doesn’t want to hear what I think of words like “Ginocchio” and “Villano”?  This is important stuff, I tell ya.

In the meantime, the rules of this mass-post thingy request that I also list a few blogs that I think should join in on the fun.  It’s like a chain letter with no payday or risk of bad luck for not participating  So I think Bill and Carol from Our Year in Italy should join in on the fun, since they are my new Italian Neighbors and are learning the lingo.  I would also like to see Danielle from When in Rome Tours write one up, but most of all, I’d like to see Anthony of How to Tour Italy do one, since he seems to have fallen off the face of the planet .

When you split your life between two cultures with two languages, it is quite easy to get trapped in the wrong language from time to time.  I sometimes find myself speaking one language, then suddenly a word or phrase pops out from the other.  I don’t realize it until the person I am speaking with gets that glazed look in their eyes.  It is as though they are suddenly thinking “Did Michael just invent a word?”  ”Is he trying to be cool, throwing Euroslang into his speech?”  ”and why on earth does he keep throwing his arms around as he speaks?”

No… I don’t even realize I am doing it.  Until I see that look, and I get a little embarrassed.  The thing is, that when you are fluent enough in two languages and sufficiently integrated in multiple cultures, certain concepts are better expressed in one language than another.  You don’t actually think about what language you are speaking… you just speak.  So when I have a thought, the easiest way to express that thought is what immediately pops into my head sometimes.  There may be one word in a language that takes a complete sentence to express in another…. so something inside says “This can only be said this way”, and it just pops out.

This is my tribute to a few of these words and phrases between Italian and English.  There are so many more than aren’t coming to mind right now, so if you have others, please leave a comment and let me know!

Boh!?  (Bo)

This may be my favorite word in Italian, which is why it made it into the title of this article. I use this ALL THE TIME in English.  I just cannot help it!  It means “I don’t know”, but being just one little single-syllable, 3 letter word, makes it so utterly perfect.  It is as though being so short and simple, it carries a more definite meaning.  Like “I don’t know, and what kind of idiot are you that you might think I would?”

Cornuto  (Cor-Noo-Toe)

Bob is a Cornuto.  Literal translation:  Bob is horned.  Huh?  Well, what it actually means is “Bob’s wife/girlfriend/significant other is cheating on him”… all in one word: CORNUTO.  Having horns simply means that you are being cheated on, and it can be used several ways.  ”Poor Susan has horns” (She is being cheated on), “John put horns on Jane” (John is cheating on Jane).  It is also used (primarily in the south) as an offense  Cornuto!  As to say “You Cornuto, You!”.  And when you get waaay south, well… Them’s Fightin’ Words!

Uffa (ooh-fah)

I love this word, because I’m really not sure how to translate it into an English word at all!  Imagine you are bored to the point of frustration.  You know that full-exhale-sigh you make?  Maybe you finish it off saying ‘Blah’.  That entire expression can be summed up by the word ‘Uffa’, and if you really deliver the f’s in the middle (uffffffa), you are amping up how strong the feeling is.

Che Palle (Kay-Pall-Ay)

This literally translates to “What Balls”, but the meaning depends entirely on the context, such that these two little words cover quite a bit.

I’m bored: Che Palle!
You are starting to annoy me:  Che Palle!
This is redundant:  Che Palle!
This is bothering me:  Che Palle!
My fingers are starting to hurt while writing this: Che Palle!
Paola is calling me to come downstairs and do something while I am writing this: Che Palle!  :-)

It isn’t considered very nice, but not quite profane.  I would put it on par with using a word like “Damn”.  So, there is a light version of it:  Che Pizza!

Porca Miseria (Porca Mee-Sare-Eee-Ah)

For some reason, Italians seem to have some major issues with pigs that might be worth exploring with a collective national psychologist.  They have a full range of exclamations about pigs, and they range from light-hearted to stuff I should not write here.  Yes, we have the classic “You are a Pig” in English, which is to say that you are messy.  But Italians elevate the pig to near demonic status.

Porca Miseria literally translates to “Misery is a Pig”.  It is a very generic exclamation.

I lost my job, porca miseria!
I stubbed my toe, porca miseria!
I forgot to make that reservation, porca miseria!

What makes the pig so fun, is that you can modify the strength of your exclamation by changing the status of that which you are associating with the pig.  For example:

Porca Puttana! ( A Whore is a Pig ) is much stronger than Misery.
Porca Puttanaccia! ( A BAD Whore is a Pig ) is even stronger.

The whole whore thing is quite popular too!  You can use all sorts of words to say whore:  Puttana, Mignotta, Troia, etc.  All work well with “Porca”!

You can get REALLY strong and vulgar by associating the pig with God and the Virgin Mary ( Dio and Madonna ), but that is a major no-no!  However, even they get lightened up to “Porco Due” and “Porca Madosca”… More or less how we go from God to Gosh and Damn to Darn.

The point is, that while these all do translate into something English, I can’t quite explain why, but it is somehow more powerful than the english counterparts, such that I find myself using Porca Miseria all the time, even in English.

Che Fico!  (Kay Fee-Co)

Ok, this simply translates to ‘Cool’, so while it doesn’t really fit into this article, I couldn’t resist.  Why, you ask?  Because the literal translation is What a Fig!.  Can’t you just picture your friend walking up to your brand new car and saying What a fig ?  Ok, I’ll move on…

Ti Voglio Bene ( Tee-Vol-Yo Beh-Nay ) & Ti Amo (Tee-Amo)

They both mean I love you, but the Italian language has different ways of expressing love for your mother, for example, from love for your spouse. Ti Amo literally translates to “I love you”, but if you say it to your mom, well.. Ewww!  That’s sick!!!  That would be getting into Norman Bates territory.   On the other hand, Ti Voglio Bene is properly suited for mom.  It literally translates to “I wish you well”, which I know sounds an extremely weak and borderline insensitive statement for mom, but Ti Amo is reserved exclusively for very serious romantic love, period.  So you will wish well for mom, dad, brothers, sisters, kids, close friends, etc.  You will also wish well for a boyfriend/girlfriend that isn’t nearing the “pop The Question” stage.

Best put, I would say Ti Voglio Bene is like “I Love You”, and Ti Amo is like “I am IN love with you”.

Gattara (Gat-Tara)

Here is one that really isn’t in my vocabulary, but as I stumbled upon it, I couldn’t stop laughing.  You know the stereotype woman that lives alone with cats?  Yeah, you got it… She is a “Gattara”.

The English Language Gets Back with the verb TO GET

Seriously, there are countless words that don’t translate well from Italian to English, and from English into Italian.  Just ask any Italian that speaks English how they felt when they first learned the verb “To Get”.  Better yet, try it yourself!  Try to define every meaning of To Get that you can think of in 5 minutes.  While you do that, I’ll get to the end of this, since it is getting long and I need to get out of here.  If you don’t get what I am saying it, get a life and get over it.  Get it?

So any really interesting ones I missed?  let me know!

We use a ton of Italian words in English.  More than many might think.  Just walk into a Starbucks, and you will probably walk out with something called a ‘LATTE‘ (Be careful asking for it in Italy, since all you will get is milk), and if it was a large, you will have asked for ‘VENTI‘, and you may have a bag with some ‘PANINI‘ as well.
How many time have you said ‘CIAO‘, even though you may have thought it was spelled CHOW?
At the OPERA, might you you yell BRAVO?  OK, all pretty obvious, but the list is actually almost endless!  Magnifico, crescendo, alto, bello/bella, etc.

But how about Italian use of English? Actually, there have been English words used commonly in Italian for ages, but recently it has really picked up, to the point that some call it ANGLITALIANO.  The Italian answer to Spanglish or Chinglish.  There is even a group dedicated on erase it from use, most appropriately called The Dante Alighieri Society.

How many English words exist in Anglitaliano?  Who knows?  But I listed those I could think of, and did about 5 minutes of googlage to see what I could put together.  Have a look.  The words in GREEN are English words that would be commonly understood by many Italians that don’t think they speak a word of English!

OKAY, this WEEKEND I used my COMPUTER and MODEM to go ONLINE to TEST my WEBCAM and EMAIL on the INTERNET with my new ROUTER.  The SERVER SOFTWARE asked for a PASSWORD, then made me DOWNLOAD a FILE.  Perhaps I lack the KNOW-HOW.

Later, I listened to an ALBUM with MUSIC by a BOY BAND, then a CD with BLUES, HIP HOP, GRIND, CORE, some POP STAR, JAZZ and a HIT by a ROCK BAND, but there was a BLACK OUT. WOW!

So I took off my BLUE JEANS and wore a SMOKING. I looked COOL, so went to a SINGLES BAR in a HOTEL that was full of SEXY women and had a COCKTAIL with the MANAGER who called me MISTER. She was BEAUTIFUL, with great MAKEUP and an EXTRA-LARGE T-SHIRT.   She was truly a BEAUTY with a great NEW LOOK.  I saw my EX with her BOYFRIEND who clearly found a BABYSITTER that night..  They deserve their PRIVACY, so I said BYE BYE and went to a PARTY.  Sadly, everyone was a SNOB. I began to feel the STRESS. I had a DRINK, then left for a CLUB to see a BAND I am a FAN of that plays DARK music.  The PERFORMANCE was SOLD OUT.. every TICKET!

Fortunately, I had a VOUCHER, so the STAFF let me in. OH YEAH! After the SHOW, there was a SUPER DEEJAY that had clearly been DOPING, and is probably on WELFARE.

Later I was hungry, so I got on my SCOOTER and went to a PUB, but I couldn’t decide between a HOT DOG, SANDWICH or a HAMBURGER, so ended up having a SNACK of  CRACKERSwhile watching some SPORT on the TV, followed by a TALK SHOW, a FILM, and a REALITY SHOW.

The following day, I went to the gym to do some SPINNING, JOGGING (or FOOTING) and BODY BUILDING before playing some TENNIS. Later, I took a car with lots of SEX APPEAL and a big STICKER for a TEST DRIVE, but it broke down at the STOP, and smelled of GAS. Maybe it was all the SMOG?  So I had to take it to the GARAGE.  Finally, after a little SHOPPING, I had a PICNIC for lunch with my BUSINESS PARTNER who shared some GOSSIP and NEWS about a friend with a HANDICAP that became a KILLER by giving someone’s PACEMAKER a SHOCK.  I thought about it and simply replied: NO COMMENT. It’s not a SCOOP, and has nothing to do with our PARTNERSHIP.  All I wanted was a BRIEFING and possible BRAINSTORMING about a new LOCATION for our BOOK SHOP, as well as our BUDGET and new SLOGAN. You know, a MARKETING MEETING.

That night I went to a BED AND BREAKFAST that was really nothing more than a LOFT with a BIG OPEN SPACE, instead of a RESORT.  After all, that is the latest TREND.  I read a FICTION, and went to sleep. GOOD NIGHT!

So how many “Anglitaliano” words can be drummed up in a single blog post?  Who knows?  Maybe this one is the LEADER and breaks a RECORD?