This morning as I took my daily walk to Bar Roma for my morning cup of tea and free Wi-Fi hit, I was warmly greeted as always by two of Soriano’s local characters, Franco & Enrico.

These two elderly gentlemen are only two of many locals who “hangout” at the local bars & caffés in Soriano, chatting about the weather, taking in the day to day goings on and greeting locals and strangers alike.

However, today I was surprised to get an overly excited greeting, with whispers of “vieni qui, vieni qui” (Come Here, Come Here).  As I moved closer, Franco reached into his jacket pocket and produced an envelope, I just thought he’d received a note from a long lost relative in Australia, the US or UK and he wanted me to translate it.

But when he opened the envelope and pulled out the little card with the maple leaf on it, his eyes glistened, his face beamed and his smile grew broad.  He was proudly showing me the special little card sent to him by one of the CDV guests from last year’s vacations.

Carolanne and her father, John, spent a week in Soriano, not just as your typical tourist, but embracing our little town of Soriano, it’s culture and character and it’s local characters.

Most mornings they would arrive at Bar Roma earlier than the other guests and would take their time to sit and chat with the locals in their broken Italian, the locals politely smiling and nodding and not really understanding every word, but connected by the efforts made by both to communicate.

Sitting with the locals and taking it all in was enough for Carolanne and John to start their days off in the most wonderful of ways.

Just as they started my day off today!  To have had such an enthusiastic greeting this morning and to see these two wonderful elderly gentlemen proudly showing their cards to anyone who passed by inspired me to write this quick blog post to make a point of reminding all that CDV is not just another tour company, it’s a family of locals who welcome strangers with open hearts and arms and create lasting memories and friendships.

I am so grateful to Michael and Paola and the whole CDV team to be a part of this, to be able to chat with new friends via Facebook and keep up with their lives long after their return home from Soriano is such a wonderful gift.

Thank you, Michael, Paola, Carla, Rita, Spartaco, Rocky, Pierina, Sergio, Antonio, all the local Sorianese connected to CDV and all the wonderful CDV ospiti over the past couple of years that my family and I have been privileged to be a small part of your Italian experience.

Grazie mille and we look forward to continuing to keep in touch and hope that one day we’ll see you all again back in Soriano!

Baci

Peta

Paolo and Marisa are, by all accounts, your typical everyday Italian farmers.  That is, with one big exception:  Their farm happens to be across the road from us…  those crazy people that bring all of the Americans to town…  Yes, Canadians, Australians and Brits, too.. but to them, they hear English and simply think “Americans”.

A fun, and to some degree, macabre tradition began three years ago.  A guy named Steve visited with his then girlfriend, Jessica.  He was a guy from Jersey with that classic dry, sarcastic, irony-ridden sense of humor.  He walked over to the farm, spotted a pig, and simply exclaimed two words:  RAMON JAMON.  Yes folks, he named the pig.  While it is widely considered a bad idea to name your food-to-be, I was right there with him, video camera in hand…. And for those of you that have been reading my blog, I’m that guy from L.A. with that classic dry, sarcastic, irony-ridden sense of humor.  I just couldn’t let it be.

While Steve left, I couldn’t let it go.  I had to humanize Ramon.  I went on to shoot hours of video.  People meeting Ramon, people feeding Ramon, interviews of people after having met Ramon.  The end result was a video I put up on the web that has gone on to be one of our classics:  “They Called Him Ramon” (View the video on YouTube).

A year later, Ramon (or at least part of him) was the prosciutto in our kitchen, and there was a new pig in the pen.  He had an attitude… not too friendly.  Still, the tradition continued.  As fate would have it, Steve and Jessica returned to get married in Soriano.  We waited for them arrive before we named the new pig.  When they did, we took this new pig’s attitude into account and called him “Jabba The Pig”.  Yes, Star Wars fans, he was big, ugly and mean.  The name fit.

All of this brings us to our 2010 season.  We were back in Italy, and Jabba was now the prosciutto in our kitchen, and there was a new pig in town.  He was a different kind of pig… nothing like Jabba.

The new pig was cute and adorable.  He was friendly and social.  He even had one blue eye and one brown.  But at the end of the day, he was a big fat pig.  So we thought of an appropriate name for a big fat teddy bear of a pig.  We called him Sumo.  Sumo The Pig.

As with years past, all of our guests met him, but unlike with Jabba, Sumo became extremely popular.  People fell in love with him.  They would feed him while talking to him like a puppy.  They would get saddened by his fate.  They connected.

The unparalleled love for Sumo gave him a life like no other pig.  All season long, people would set food aside to feed him, making Paolo and Marisa very happy farmers.  Sumo got his very own FaceBook profile, and boasts more friends than most humans!  (Visit Sumo’s FaceBook).  His genealogy has been traced and blogged (Read The “Our Year in Italy” blog about Sumo).  Songs have been written and sung about him (Watch the “We Love You Sumo” video), countless people have featured Sumo in their Facebook profile pictures, and elaborate escape plans have been made to secure Sumo’s future.

But the road to hell is paved with good prosciutto, and Sumo is a pig that was born with destiny.

Sadly, last Friday Sumo met his last visitor.  He had his last scrap of leftovers given by someone wishing for his freedom.  All Sumo has left are Paolo and Marisa… The people that will, in two months time, help Sumo fulfill his true destiny.

As our 2011 season starts, our kitchen counter will be home to a new prosciutto, and as with every year, there will be returning guests that knew Sumo, knew Jabba, and knew Ramon…  and as with every year, they will quickly get over it as soon as they taste some of the best prosciutto they have ever had.  Prosciutto that can only be the product of months of loving feeding by visiting guests.

There will be a new pig in the pen.  We will assess his personality and give him a name as we do every year.  If he is even half the pig Sumo was, he will be a delight to all.

Sumo, you will be truly missed.

The History of The Mummies of Ferentillo

The Mummies Today

I’m a big fan of recycling, and I was really happy to hear that our town, Soriano nel Cimino, was planning on implementing a recycling program.  Better yet, it would include garbage pick-up. Cool!  The fact is, that much of Italy is full of litter, many towns have garbage bins that overflow, and the concept of responsible dissposal isn’t quite what I am accustomed to.  So this is fantastic, right?  Ummm… not so much.

There is a popular joke that compares the strengths and weaknesses of various European societies.  It goes like this:

Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs Italian, the mechanics German, the lovers French, and it’s all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, and it’s all organized by the Italians.

If you are really familiar with these societies, this is quite funny.  The point here is that Italians are famous for being extremely disorganized, and that little problem often causes good ideas to turn into incredibly complicated nightmares.  The complexities cause people to ignore policy, and that causes the government to couple new programs with stiff non-compliance penalties.  So you end up with a bunch of complicated, impossible to understand or follow laws that have insane fines for non-compliance.  Such is my fear for our new recycling program that starts tomorrow.

The Way It Is Today

Before I get into the disaster that begins tomorrow, let me tell you how it is now.  There is no garbage pickup service. There are public bins all over town.  Residents generally keep a tiny trash can in their homes, and take the trash out daily.  This is good, since Italian homes are generally very small, so they don’t have room for large trashcans.  Some of the public locations have several bins, including various recycling containers.  It doesn’t matter much, because it is common that all bins get dumped in the same truck, anyway…  but we’ll not go there for now. The downside of this is obviously that some people have to walk a little to take their trash out, and the bins are unsightly… especially when they have not been emptied for days.

Soriano’s Recycling Extravaganza

Step right up and get a front-row ticket, ‘cuz this is gonna be the greatest show on earth! Tomorrow morning everything changes.  All public bins go the way of the Dodo.  Garbage pickup service begins.

Each home must now keep FIVE garbage cans in their home:

The standard can is for fruit, veggies, leftovers, coffee, tea bags, paper napkins and towels (only if dirty with water), etc.

Then you have a can with GREY bags that are provided by the city.  This is for most (but not all) plastic tableware, saran wrap, feminine pads, light bulbs, pens, cigarettes and lighters, rubber bands, feminine pads… I won’t do the whole list.

Next are the Light Blue bags, which are for other plastics that do not belong in the GREY bags. These include plastic bottles, Styrofoam, plastic bags, veggie and fruit nets…  again, I won’t go into the whole list, but be careful not to confuse plastic for the GREY bags with plastic for the Light Blue bags.  That would be non-compliance.  See below for the penalty!

Then we have the Green Bin, which is for cans, glass, lids (what kind?), and foil.

Finally, we have the Yellow Bin. This is for papers, newspaper, magazines, milk cartons, etc.  Be careful not to throw paper towels or napkins in here!!!  Those are for the Standard Can.

No Need To Remember All Of This.  We Have Labels!

Law requires all products to have a label that will assist you, so if you are not sure if a paper towel should be thrown in Grey Bag or the Blue Bag, just go back to the packaging of the paper towels (you still have it, right?) and see which of the above symbols it has.  Then compare that symbol with the bins and bags you have, and you are all set.  Don’t forget to do this for every little item you throw away, because a mistake is punishable by law.

Don’t Get Your Days and Times Mixed Up

Now they won’t have an army of trucks running around each day.  Instead, there is a pickup day for each bag or bin.  We will have pickup service five days a week, and each day has a corresponding bag.  Be sure not to put your blue bag out on green day, or your yellow bag on grey day.  These are serious offenses, of course.  But wait!  That’s not all!  You are allowed to put your bags and bins out between 10:00 PM and 4:00 AM.  Not before, not after.  If you have any plans of going to bed early tomorrow night, forget about it.

Unresolved Questions

There are more questions, of course.  So Paola made a call to the City Hall office that deals with these things.  The city will provide us with a certain number of bags.  Will they provide them regularly?  We don’t know.  What if we need more?  We don’t know. Are they rationed?  We don’t know. What if my bin is lost or stolen?  We don’t know.

The Old Lady and the Storm

Soriano is a hill town.  Tiny streets, winding curves, cobblestones and lots of hills.  I can imagine a winter storm (often) that would wash these bins all down the hills.  They will be everywhere.  They will be thrown together… it will be a mess.  The hills are filled with elderly women that have lived there for ages.  How will they find their bins?  We don’t know. How will this be dealt with?  We don’t know.

Penalty of Non-Compliance

Ok, I saved it for the end.  It is all so much more complicated than what I am saying here.  And Italians are great at ignoring laws, so you must strike fear in their hearts.  Should you elect not to comply with the above, you are to be fined €500.00.  That is roughly $700.00.

Is it just me, or is a disaster in the making?

On day one of every cooking vacation we offer, there is a little talk with all of the newly arriving guests.  We go over the things that they can expect, and should not expect.  We discus the plans for the days ahead, and we go over some of the more common cultural faux-pas that guests can avoid as we try to integrate them into Italian culture for their brief time with us.

One of the items on the list that seems to get more resistance than others is that of doggie bags.  It just isn’t done in Italy, and once you understand Italian food culture, you will completely understand why.

Food is Sacred Art

It doesn’t matter if you are eating in the smallest Trattoria or the finest restaurant in the city.  The chef in the kitchen is an artist.  There is no line cook back in the kitchen throwing canned sauce over pre-cooked pasta.  The chef is creating the dish you ordered for you. Your dish is served, not to your liking, but to the liking of the chef.  In other words, this is the chef’s masterpiece,   and he knows how it is to be prepared.  He knows how it is to be cooked, and he knows how it is to be served.  You cannot say your meat is undercooked, because the chef cooked it properly, and he knows better than you.  It is YOU who does not know how to eat properly.  You would not ask for extra sauce, because the proper amount of sauce was used, and you would not send back what you perceive as a cold dish, because you clearly don’t know what temperature this dish must be served at.

Furthermore, telling a chef his food is less than perfect is like telling a mother her child is ugly.  Even a waiter would not normally ask you if your food is good… because the food IS good, of course… and I generally agree.

I know, it sounds like awful service…. really, I used to feel that way.  But it isn’t.  It is art.  The chef put passion into the food, and from his perspective, if you don’t appreciate it, you don’t deserve it.  You must take your mindset away from the American concept of ‘Customer-Focus’ and accept that in Italy, the customer is not right… the food is right.  This is why Italian food in Italy is so incredible.  Someone prepared it with true loving care… really!

You usually won’t see a dish come out that looks like a work of art — you know, the creative swirling drizzle of balsamic vinegar over a neatly stacked arrangement of geometric food shapes…  No, it is pure art of flavor that will arrive.  Each ingredient blended perfectly, cooked precisely, and portioned with care, such that your senses go into overdrive.  And to change that delicate balance by cooking it more, adding extra sauce, or whatever…  well, it would ruin the entire experience.  Really!

While They Were Creating Perfect Recipes, We Were Swinging From Trees

Did I say that food is sacred?  Let me rephrase:  Italian food is sacred, and Italians feel a true sense of pity for the rest of the world, because we are all starving for lack of a decent meal.  No, I’m not kidding.  Furthermore, there is a way to prepare Italian food, a way to eat it, a place to eat it, and a time to eat various dishes.  The combination is something not to be messed with.  So if you are in Italy and Italians talk to you about food (they will), remember the point of view they are coming from:  You are one step removed from the starving children in Africa, and God has graced you with the opportunity to finally have some real food in your life.  Praise be to God.

L’America e Bella, Ma La Fame!

Whenever Italians travel abroad, upon their return you can pretty much guarantee what the first words out of their mouths will be when asked how the trip was.  They all start by uttering these words:  Era bello, ma LA FAME!!!  (It was beautiful, but THE HUNGER!!!).  They then continue for quite some time describing just how awful the food was, how hungry they were, everything they did in their quest for a decent meal, etc.  This invariably segues into a discussion about the pity they feel for those poor people that live there and have to eat that awful food.  How can they possibly eat that junk?  Who knows?  Only then will they actually discuss where they had been.  That is how important food is to an Italian.

I have had people tell put their hand on my shoulder, telling me how fortunate I am to have an Italian wife to cook for me at home.  Of course, I would otherwise starve.  I have had people look at me with a confused daze when discussing various ethnic cuisines, only to finally fire off the most important question of all: What on earth do those people feed their poor children????  After all, they wouldn’t dare give that garbage to an innocent  child, would they?

Food Shall Not Touch Food

Perhaps this will help drive the concept home a bit:  Whether you are eating in a proper restaurant or a roadside truckstop in Italy, food is divided into courses.  Your salad has its own dish.  Your pasta has its dish, your meat has it’s dish, and so on.  You will never, never, never see salad, pasta and meat on the same plate.  To any Italian, that is utterly disgusting, and those of us that find that normal are little more than barely evolved barbarians.  Why?  Because flavors should not mix.  My pasta will be ruined if it comes in contact with the salad!

This is also why food won’t come out together.  Appetizers, 1st Course, 2nd Course, Dessert.  If your meat and pasta come out together, your meat will be cold by the time you finish your pasta.  RUINED!  You could not eat them together, because that would ruin the balance of flavors, of course.  This brings me back to the chef knowing better than you, see?  What do YOU know about the complexities of preparation and delivery?  He is the master and you are a consumer!

Dare Not Argue

You may disagree with these points because you have a different perspective, but this is a cultural reality, and as such, it is right when visiting that culture.  Should you try to sway others into thinking that what the customer wants, the customer should get, any self-respecting Italian will invariably pull out their smoking-gun evidence that proves their point.  Go to any country in the world and drive down the street.  Count the ethnic restaurants and you will always see more Italian restaurants than any other.  Therefore, Italian food is the most appreciated food in the world.  That means they are right.  And I agree!

So What Does a Doggie Bag Say?

Well, knowing what you know now….  how do you think a chef would feel if he knew you wanted to bunch the leftover food into a box, take it home, put it in the fridge, then microwave it the next day?  Or worse… GIVE IT TO YOUR DOG????  For the love of God, this is sacrilege! The pasta will be soggy, the sauce will be mushy and soaked in, ACK!!!  What an offense!  You may as well tell him you will be putting the food in your car’s gas tank!

Face it, the food was prepared to be eaten right there, not warmed up later in a microwave.  To reheat the food later would be offensive to the food itself… It just isn’t done.  So the concept of taking food home in a doggy bag just doesn’t exist, except in the very touristy places.  You can ask, of course.  Tourists do ask, but the concept is utterly foreign.  You may as well ask a waiter nail your leftovers to the wall and paint them.

So please… when in Italy, don’t ask for a doggie bag.

When you split your life between two cultures with two languages, it is quite easy to get trapped in the wrong language from time to time.  I sometimes find myself speaking one language, then suddenly a word or phrase pops out from the other.  I don’t realize it until the person I am speaking with gets that glazed look in their eyes.  It is as though they are suddenly thinking “Did Michael just invent a word?”  ”Is he trying to be cool, throwing Euroslang into his speech?”  ”and why on earth does he keep throwing his arms around as he speaks?”

No… I don’t even realize I am doing it.  Until I see that look, and I get a little embarrassed.  The thing is, that when you are fluent enough in two languages and sufficiently integrated in multiple cultures, certain concepts are better expressed in one language than another.  You don’t actually think about what language you are speaking… you just speak.  So when I have a thought, the easiest way to express that thought is what immediately pops into my head sometimes.  There may be one word in a language that takes a complete sentence to express in another…. so something inside says “This can only be said this way”, and it just pops out.

This is my tribute to a few of these words and phrases between Italian and English.  There are so many more than aren’t coming to mind right now, so if you have others, please leave a comment and let me know!

Boh!?

Boh!?  (Bo)

This may be my favorite word in Italian, which is why it made it into the title of this article. I use this ALL THE TIME in English.  I just cannot help it!  It means “I don’t know”, but being just one little single-syllable, 3 letter word, makes it so utterly perfect.  It is as though being so short and simple, it carries a more definite meaning.  Like “I don’t know, and what kind of idiot are you that you might think I would?”

Cornuto  (Cor-Noo-Toe)

Bob is a Cornuto.  Literal translation:  Bob is horned.  Huh?  Well, what it actually means is “Bob’s wife/girlfriend/significant other is cheating on him”… all in one word: CORNUTO.  Having horns simply means that you are being cheated on, and it can be used several ways.  ”Poor Susan has horns” (She is being cheated on), “John put horns on Jane” (John is cheating on Jane).  It is also used (primarily in the south) as an offense  Cornuto!  As to say “You Cornuto, You!”.  And when you get waaay south, well… Them’s Fightin’ Words!

Uffa (ooh-fah)

I love this word, because I’m really not sure how to translate it into an English word at all!  Imagine you are bored to the point of frustration.  You know that full-exhale-sigh you make?  Maybe you finish it off saying ‘Blah’.  That entire expression can be summed up by the word ‘Uffa’, and if you really deliver the f’s in the middle (uffffffa), you are amping up how strong the feeling is.

Che Palle (Kay-Pall-Ay)

This literally translates to “What Balls”, but the meaning depends entirely on the context, such that these two little words cover quite a bit.

I’m bored: Che Palle!
You are starting to annoy me:  Che Palle!
This is redundant:  Che Palle!
This is bothering me:  Che Palle!
My fingers are starting to hurt while writing this: Che Palle!
Paola is calling me to come downstairs and do something while I am writing this: Che Palle!  :-)

It isn’t considered very nice, but not quite profane.  I would put it on par with using a word like “Damn”.  So, there is a light version of it:  Che Pizza!

Porca Troia!

Porca Miseria (Porca Mee-Sare-Eee-Ah)

For some reason, Italians seem to have some major issues with pigs that might be worth exploring with a collective national psychologist.  They have a full range of exclamations about pigs, and they range from light-hearted to stuff I should not write here.  Yes, we have the classic “You are a Pig” in English, which is to say that you are messy.  But Italians elevate the pig to near demonic status.

Porca Miseria literally translates to “Misery is a Pig”.  It is a very generic exclamation.

I lost my job, porca miseria!
I stubbed my toe, porca miseria!
I forgot to make that reservation, porca miseria!

What makes the pig so fun, is that you can modify the strength of your exclamation by changing the status of that which you are associating with the pig.  For example:

Porca Puttana! ( A Whore is a Pig ) is much stronger than Misery.
Porca Puttanaccia! ( A BAD Whore is a Pig ) is even stronger.

The whole whore thing is quite popular too!  You can use all sorts of words to say whore:  Puttana, Mignotta, Troia, etc.  All work well with “Porca”!

You can get REALLY strong and vulgar by associating the pig with God and the Virgin Mary ( Dio and Madonna ), but that is a major no-no!  However, even they get lightened up to “Porco Due” and “Porca Madosca”… More or less how we go from God to Gosh and Damn to Darn.

The point is, that while these all do translate into something English, I can’t quite explain why, but it is somehow more powerful than the english counterparts, such that I find myself using Porca Miseria all the time, even in English.

Che Fico!  (Kay Fee-Co)

Ok, this simply translates to ‘Cool’, so while it doesn’t really fit into this article, I couldn’t resist.  Why, you ask?  Because the literal translation is What a Fig!.  Can’t you just picture your friend walking up to your brand new car and saying What a fig ?  Ok, I’ll move on…

Ti Voglio Bene ( Tee-Vol-Yo Beh-Nay ) & Ti Amo (Tee-Amo)

They both mean I love you, but the Italian language has different ways of expressing love for your mother, for example, from love for your spouse. Ti Amo literally translates to “I love you”, but if you say it to your mom, well.. Ewww!  That’s sick!!!  That would be getting into Norman Bates territory.   On the other hand, Ti Voglio Bene is properly suited for mom.  It literally translates to “I wish you well”, which I know sounds an extremely weak and borderline insensitive statement for mom, but Ti Amo is reserved exclusively for very serious romantic love, period.  So you will wish well for mom, dad, brothers, sisters, kids, close friends, etc.  You will also wish well for a boyfriend/girlfriend that isn’t nearing the “pop The Question” stage.

Best put, I would say Ti Voglio Bene is like “I Love You”, and Ti Amo is like “I am IN love with you”.

Gattara (Gat-Tara)

Here is one that really isn’t in my vocabulary, but as I stumbled upon it, I couldn’t stop laughing.  You know the stereotype woman that lives alone with cats?  Yeah, you got it… She is a “Gattara”.

The English Language Gets Back with the verb TO GET

Seriously, there are countless words that don’t translate well from Italian to English, and from English into Italian.  Just ask any Italian that speaks English how they felt when they first learned the verb “To Get”.  Better yet, try it yourself!  Try to define every meaning of To Get that you can think of in 5 minutes.  While you do that, I’ll get to the end of this, since it is getting long and I need to get out of here.  If you don’t get what I am saying it, get a life and get over it.  Get it?

So any really interesting ones I missed?  let me know!

I haven’t gone on an Italy rant for a while, but with healthcare and taxes filling the US airwaves, it has really made me think about taxes in Italy. I’ll not get into my opinion of these subjects in the US, since this is not the place for it. I also don’t want anyone to see this as a point of comparison, be it to say ‘at least we are not that bad’ on one side, or ‘hey! look at the road we are going down’ on the other. It is merely a subject on my mind right now, and Italian Tax Lunacy is truly epic.

OK, the prerequisite disclaimers are now out of the way. Italy is a wonderful place. It is beautiful, the culture is amazing, the people are warm, and the lifestyle is enviable. You simply cannot have all of this good without some utter evil to balance it all out. That evil comes in several forms, the largest of which is a department of the government called FINANZA. They are Italy’s answer to the IRS, but they are not government workers in suits that sit down and go over your tax returns with your accountant. No, they are a police force, complete with squad cars, military-style uniforms, arms, and a mission to fight crime. Tax crime.

Guardia di Finanza - The Italian version of the IRS

Piove, Governo Ladro!

Strictly translated, this means “It’s raining, Government Thief”. What it really means is that the government takes so much from us, in so many ways, that they have even found a way to steal the sunshine. There is an epic battle of taxes between the government (represented by the Finanza) and the people in Italy, and they have been waging it longer than anyone can remember. Italians are notorious for tax evasion, and the Italian government is notorious for Draconian taxation. A citizen will tell you that they take so much, he is forced to cheat in order to put food on the table. The government will argue that so many citizens cheat on their taxes, that they are forced to take special measures in order to collect. Can you say viscous circle? I knew you could.

I Cheat, You Cheat, We All Cheat on Taxes

I’m an American. I pay my taxes. I hate it, but I do it. If i can get a deduction, I’m all for it, but the concept of cheating on my taxes just doesn’t exist. I’ve never met another American that boasted about how he cheats on his taxes. But in Italy, you run across people every single day that will shout it from the tower (figuratively, of course). For these people, it is a matter of pride. Success in cheating on one’s taxes is a badge of honor. HA! I got the government thief! In fact, some estimates show that only 50% of Italians pay any income taxes at all. and a large majority of the remainder grossly underfile. Now, before I get chastised by anyone that lives in Italy and does pay their taxes, let me be clear. This rule does not apply to everyone. I know people that follow the letter of the law as they understand it. The key phrase here is ‘as they understand it’, because if you ask 10 tax lawyers, you will get 10 answers as to what is and what is not legal or appropriate. All 10 are right, and all 10 are wrong. But one thing I have noticed is that those that try to stay legal are generally the ones that are just scraping by. Sad, but true.

The Amnesty Countdown

I always wondered how people don’t get caught. I mean, if I don’t pay my income taxes, sooner or later it has to catch up with me, right? So I asked around, and what it all really boiled down to was ‘Amnesty’. Apparently every so many years, the government has traditionally enacted an amnesty program for tax evaders. If you don’t pay your taxes, the government bureaucracy is so crippled and slow, that by the time they could ever really do anything to you, amnesty typically kicks in. I know people that have had 75% of all of their back taxes slashed with no penalty. They paid their reduced amount, then went on to not pay taxes again… until the next amnesty program. How must the people that actually try follow the law feel, when they realize that by following the rules, they got what amounts to a 75% penalty compared to the cheaters? I suppose it is similar to how I feel as someone that actually pays his mortgage these days, thus cannot qualify for ‘Loan Modification’.

There’s a Tax For That

So how bad are the taxes? I won’t bore you with marginal tax rates and calculations. Instead, I’ll list some of the taxes and policies that have made me scratch my head and say WTF over the years…

Television Tax

Italy has a few state-run television channels called RAI. They pay for it through something called the ‘Canone RAI’, which is essentially the RAI Televition tax. Your are required to pay it if you own a television, and it is calculated based on how many televisions you have. Even if you are in an area that gets no reception, and/or your pay for satellite television service… you MUST pay this tax. The penalty for not paying it? Well, if you don’t pay it, they may come and inspect your home. Pay or have your televisions sequestered. There is good news, however. The tax rate is lower if you only have a black and white television!

When I originally lived in Italy, there was also a radio tax for automobiles. The Finanza would set up roadside traffic checks to make sure you paid your registration fees. While stopping you, they would inspect your car, and if you had a radio, they would check that you paid the radio tax. I was actually cited for this once. This tax no longer exists.

Modem Tax

In the late 90′s when the Internet was gaining strength in Italy, the government saw a growing potential source of revenue among small Internet providers. They instituted a special tax on modems that essentially killed this business, leaving it almost solely to the quasi state run phone company.

Website Tax

A few years later they decided that there was not only a special tax for those with websites, but as a webmaster, you were required to save a copy of your website and submit it to the government… Each time it changed. Consider our own site: we would be required to submit a new CD right now…. and another now… Oops, our dynamic site changes by the second so we need to submit it again now.

IVA

The IVA is the Italian sales tax, or VAT (Value Added Tax).  It is a flat 20% for all purchases, and is paid at all levels from manufacturing all the way down to consumer.  It is then refundable at each level until a product or service reaches the consumer, making for some very complicated paperwork and bureaucracy, of course.  The only exception to the 20% is a reduced 10% and 4% rate on what is considered to be ‘essentials’.  Before the formation of the EU, Italy’s IVA was somewhat more complicated.  The base rate was 19%, but there was a special 38% tax rate for ‘Luxury Goods’.  What was considered a luxury?  Any car that and an engine of more than 2,000cc was a luxury,  Your home stereo was a luxury, etc.  The reduced rate for essentials like food and clothing was 4% as it is now, but the one thing that always puzzled me was that shoes were not categorized as ‘essentials’!

Income Tax

Income tax in Italy ranges between 23% and 43%, which may not seem so bad until you have to actually pay them and learn that Italians don’t enjoy the ability to apply tax deductions anything like what you may be accustomed to.  In addition to that is a concept of minimum base income that I have never fully understood.  Perhaps someone will comment and clarify it for me? As it has been explained to me by several people, if you are self-employed, what you earn is not initially assumed based on what you declare.  Instead, it is based on what you have and what you do.  In other words, if I own a clothing store that is 100 square meters in size, there is an assumption that this type of store should make a certain amount of money.  I pay that, and if I didn’t make that much, it is my responsibility to prove that I didn’t and file for a refund after the fact.  In other words, you can potentially pay more in tax than you grossed.  Similarly, it has been explained that your base minimum income is assumed by your possessions. That is to say that if I own a home of 200 square meters, and I have a certain car, and I own a motorcycle…  I must make a certain amount of money to support that lifestyle, so that is the minimum I am taxed on.  So if your favorite aunt passes away and leaves you her home at the beach, a car, and a boat…. the government may see you as a very high income earner with a fleet of vehicles and a beach house for weekend getaways.

Get Your Scontrino.

The ‘scontrino’ is your receipt when you make a purchase at a store.  Back to tax enforcement, this is another process that has been relaxed, thankfully.  The Finanza is charged with not only making sure you pay your taxes, but also making sure you are equipped to do so.  This means that if you have a store, you must have an approved cash register that prints receipts in a certain way.  In addition, you are required by law to provide a receipt to every customer.  So far, so good, right?  But the customer is also required by law to obtain the receipt, and to take it with him as he leaves the store.  So until recently, you could walk into a store and buy a pack of gum.  Maybe you simply threw the receipt in the trash, or you left it as you exited.  As you left the store, you could have been approached by a Finanza officer who would ask you to show your receipt.  If you failed to produce it, they would detain you and bring you back to the store.  Once there, the clerk would have to prove they gave you a receipt.  If he couldn’t, he would get a large fine.  Either way, you would have been fined for not being able to produce it on demand.

This would get taken to the extreme.  For example, I knew an owner of a small grocery/deli.  One day he was hungry and made himself a sandwich.  As he was eating the sandwich, a Finanza officer entered his store and demanded to see the receipt for the sandwich he had just made for himself.  Naturally he was dumbfounded, and wound up paying a fine equivalent to $500.00.

Another time, my father-in-law was chatting with the same man in his store.  They were very close friends.  He had spent about an hour chatting, as they often did.  The man offered him a slice of pizza as they were talking, and when he left, he was still eating it.  My father-in-law was instantly approached by a Finanza officer who demanded a receipt for the pizza slice.  He explained that there was none as it was just a friendly gesture of kindness from a close friend, not a purchase.  The result:  They were both fined.  The store owner should have rung up the pizza slice, and placed the retail value in the register in order to offer it to his friend.

Not only could they charge the store, but the finanza could also perform an instant on-site audit.  They could actually walk into the store, close you down and say “Pull out your books”.

Would You Like a Fattura or a Ricevuta?

Since the taxes in Italy are so high and complicated, there is an underground economy.  When you make a large purchase, you will often find people quoting you TWO prices:  One ‘with fattura’, and one without.  The Fattura is essentially the fiscal invoice.  If you are given one, the income cannot be hidden.  If they don’t give you one, and you pay cash… well, let’s just say that they save a bundle.  What always amazes me is how out in the open this is.  It is just the way things are done, and isn’t hush hush at all.

Tax the tax with another tax, why don’t we?

I’ve touched on a few taxes and processes, but Italy is replete with taxes on just about everything.  I could go on forever talking about inheritance tax, gift tax, double-payroll tax, capital gains tax, and the notorious “Once in a While Tax“, but this is getting fairly long.

OK I’m Done

There is my rant.  I feel better now.  Actually, I must admit that for now, I am happy to be in a position to have our company incorporated in the US, such that the lion share of our taxes are based on US income.  FOR NOW, we don’t have a quasi-military strike force there to protect the world from evil would-be shopkeepers that rob the system by offering slices of pizza to their friends.

We use a ton of Italian words in English.  More than many might think.  Just walk into a Starbucks, and you will probably walk out with something called a ‘LATTE‘ (Be careful asking for it in Italy, since all you will get is milk), and if it was a large, you will have asked for ‘VENTI‘, and you may have a bag with some ‘PANINI‘ as well.
How many time have you said ‘CIAO‘, even though you may have thought it was spelled CHOW?
At the OPERA, might you you yell BRAVO?  OK, all pretty obvious, but the list is actually almost endless!  Magnifico, crescendo, alto, bello/bella, etc.

But how about Italian use of English? Actually, there have been English words used commonly in Italian for ages, but recently it has really picked up, to the point that some call it ANGLITALIANO.  The Italian answer to Spanglish or Chinglish.  There is even a group dedicated on erase it from use, most appropriately called The Dante Alighieri Society.

How many English words exist in Anglitaliano?  Who knows?  But I listed those I could think of, and did about 5 minutes of googlage to see what I could put together.  Have a look.  The words in GREEN are English words that would be commonly understood by many Italians that don’t think they speak a word of English!

OKAY, this WEEKEND I used my COMPUTER and MODEM to go ONLINE to TEST my WEBCAM and EMAIL on the INTERNET with my new ROUTER.  The SERVER SOFTWARE asked for a PASSWORD, then made me DOWNLOAD a FILE.  Perhaps I lack the KNOW-HOW.

Later, I listened to an ALBUM with MUSIC by a BOY BAND, then a CD with BLUES, HIP HOP, GRIND, CORE, some POP STAR, JAZZ and a HIT by a ROCK BAND, but there was a BLACK OUT. WOW!

So I took off my BLUE JEANS and wore a SMOKING. I looked COOL, so went to a SINGLES BAR in a HOTEL that was full of SEXY women and had a COCKTAIL with the MANAGER who called me MISTER. She was BEAUTIFUL, with great MAKEUP and an EXTRA-LARGE T-SHIRT.   She was truly a BEAUTY with a great NEW LOOK.  I saw my EX with her BOYFRIEND who clearly found a BABYSITTER that night..  They deserve their PRIVACY, so I said BYE BYE and went to a PARTY.  Sadly, everyone was a SNOB. I began to feel the STRESS. I had a DRINK, then left for a CLUB to see a BAND I am a FAN of that plays DARK music.  The PERFORMANCE was SOLD OUT.. every TICKET!

Fortunately, I had a VOUCHER, so the STAFF let me in. OH YEAH! After the SHOW, there was a SUPER DEEJAY that had clearly been DOPING, and is probably on WELFARE.

Later I was hungry, so I got on my SCOOTER and went to a PUB, but I couldn’t decide between a HOT DOG, SANDWICH or a HAMBURGER, so ended up having a SNACK of  CRACKERSwhile watching some SPORT on the TV, followed by a TALK SHOW, a FILM, and a REALITY SHOW.

The following day, I went to the gym to do some SPINNING, JOGGING (or FOOTING) and BODY BUILDING before playing some TENNIS. Later, I took a car with lots of SEX APPEAL and a big STICKER for a TEST DRIVE, but it broke down at the STOP, and smelled of GAS. Maybe it was all the SMOG?  So I had to take it to the GARAGE.  Finally, after a little SHOPPING, I had a PICNIC for lunch with my BUSINESS PARTNER who shared some GOSSIP and NEWS about a friend with a HANDICAP that became a KILLER by giving someone’s PACEMAKER a SHOCK.  I thought about it and simply replied: NO COMMENT. It’s not a SCOOP, and has nothing to do with our PARTNERSHIP.  All I wanted was a BRIEFING and possible BRAINSTORMING about a new LOCATION for our BOOK SHOP, as well as our BUDGET and new SLOGAN. You know, a MARKETING MEETING.

That night I went to a BED AND BREAKFAST that was really nothing more than a LOFT with a BIG OPEN SPACE, instead of a RESORT.  After all, that is the latest TREND.  I read a FICTION, and went to sleep. GOOD NIGHT!

So how many “Anglitaliano” words can be drummed up in a single blog post?  Who knows?  Maybe this one is the LEADER and breaks a RECORD?

I’ve been wanting to write about this for ages.  Not about wine actually being better on the other side of the fence, but the impression that it is.

We take groups to wineries in Tuscany and the surrounding regions several times a week, and once you have done it enough, you can’t help but befriend the winemakers.  The more you talk to them, the more little secrets come out.  Here are a few of them.

Brunello di Montalcino

Perhaps the most coveted wine in Italy.  A very small area surrounding the ancient hill town of Montalcino is designated as The Brunello Zone.  There are a few very well-known wineries here.  The best known is Banfi, and the most elite is arguably Biondi Santi, followed by Casanova di Neri, and perhaps Fattoria dei Barbi.

As you a certain road from Montalcino to Castelnove d’Abate, on your left you will see a vineyard surrounding a breathtaking villa.  Signs on the vineyard read “Greppo”, which indicated that you are in the presence of the ultra-elite vineyard of Biondi Santi.  As you continue, when you reach the edge of their property, there is a small dirt road with a sign pointing to ‘Croce di Mezzo’, and after that, you are immediately in front of Fattoria dei Barbi’s vineyards.

You have probably never heard of Croce di Mezzo before.  It is a small, family run place with low volume, and happens to be sandwiched between two of Montalcino’s most famous vineyards.

Their slopes have the same basic incline.  They get the same sun, and the same water.  They produce Brunello, meaning that they use the same grapes,  They maintain the vineyard in the same way, and harvest during the same week.  Their vinification process is controlled by the Brunello Consortium the same as the others, and they age their wine in virtually identical barrels made of the same wood, from the same forest, for the same period of time.  The barrels have the same age restrictions, and are cleaned on the same schedule.  They are bottled by the same process, and aged for the same period of time in the same conditions.

What is different?  For all intents and purposes, they key differences are the side of the fence the grapes come from, and the label on the bottle…. Oh yeah, and the price.

The better-known wines will cost you up to 1,000% more.  Marketing, Marketing, Marketing.

And Then There is Banfi

We hear it all the time.  BANFI BANFI BANFI.  Yes, they are also in this area (as well as others).  Banfi is like the McDonald’s of Tuscan wine.  They are a very large American Wine Importer that started making their own wine in Italy in the late 70′s.  It is the largest in Italy, and very industrial in nature.  Many know them because they are the largest US importer of Italian wine.  I see them as being more about quantity than quality, and I’ll leave it at that.

The Hatfields and The McCoys

Down the road from Montalcino, there is another ancient hill town called Montepulciano.  They are famous for a wine called Vino Nobile di Montepulciano. They are in fierce competition with Brunello, and many (not all) would argue that their wine is far superior, but are not marketed as well as Brunello, and as such don’t call for such a high price.

One of the things I find interesting is that there was a huge scandal a few years back with some of the major Brunello wineries.  They were mixing in ‘illegal’ grapes in an effort to make it more appealing internationally.  Without getting into details, they were making their wine more like Vino Nobile!

Wine From The Wrong Zip Code

A little south of the areas I just wrote about is another well-known wine region called Orvieto, which is in Umbria.  They are well known for their white Orvieto Classico.  Just south of Orvieto is an invisible border, and a little town called Castiglione in Teverina, and IT is in the region of Lazio… not so well known.

To give you something to compare to, imagine I am a winemaker with a vineyard in Napa Valley California.  Cool… Impressive.  You are probably itching to try my wine.  Now imagine if Napa bordered with Nevada, and you could walk from a Napa Valley vineyard to another one in Some unknown town in Nevada.  If my vineyard happened to technically be in Unknown Town, Nevada, I would be significantly less popular at parties, wouldn’t I?

In fact, some truly fantastic wine comes from Castiglione, but they just aren’t popular at parties because their labels have the wrong town name and the wrong region name.

We visit one of these places on our tours, and I would love to have you try them.  The price is about 1/3 of the others, and I challenge anyone to to tell me which is which.

Like a fine wine or a great cigar, those who know their coffee are extremely discriminating.  I count myself among them.  Coffee is something I take very seriously.Technorati: VA2TJVJYZX67

Depending on the style of coffee, completely different factors come into play when determining the quality.  For example, if I were to rate a cup of American coffee, I would talk about the perfect blend of Arabica beans that, in my opinion, would include carefully proportioned percentages of beans from Ethiopia, Central America, and Sumatra.  

The beans would have to be roasted with a specific profile, to a certain darkness, and it would be brewed between 24 and 48 hours of roasting by a specific machine at just the right temperature.  But all of the rules that apply to American coffee mean nothing when it comes to espresso.  So I thought I would jot down what I have learned when it comes to one of Italy’s most celebrated exports.

The Standard of Quality

To begin, what does a great cup of espresso look and taste like? I’ll start by saying that it is universally accepted that the best espresso can be found in Naples, Italy.  To contrast that, I can honestly say that have have never had an even remotely acceptable espresso in the United States.

Keep it Short

You may be used to the concept of a ‘Single Shot’ or ‘Double Shot’ of espresso.  Even the most coffee-challenged Italian will tell you that what we consider to be a ‘single shot’, is far too much.  An espresso should measure in a standard espresso cup roughly 1 1/2 fingers.  While you may think that such a short cup will be too strong, the truth is that when the espresso is pulled, that is were the flavor is.  If you were to pull the cup away after 1 1/2 fingers, then place another cup in, the remainder of the coffee that comes out is extremely bitter.  In fact, the perfect espresso will be strong, but never bitter.

It Should Be Creamy and Silky

When you sip an espresso, let it roll on your tongue fo a second.  A good espresso will almost coat your taste buds as it goes down.  The flavors will be very complex and while it is very thin, it will have a very creamy texture to it.  The perfect expresso will have flavors and sensations that almost contradict one another.  A bad espresso will feel like extremely strong and bitter American coffee; it will completely lack texture and complexity.

Don’t be Fooled by Crema

We have been conditioned to believe that if the espresso has a thin layer of froth, it must be good.  While a great espresso will always have the crema, the crema does not mean it is good.  Most modern espresso machines are designed to produce crema no matter what.  It has become a marketing thing for them… Produces great crema! But the coffee may still be trash.

What You Drink it In is as important as What You Drink

Drinking espresso out of a paper or plastic cup is no different than eating a Filet Mignon with plastic utensils on a paper towel.  You may do it if you are desperate, but it certainly is never your choice.  Plastic and paper cups completely change the flavor, such that even the best espresso will taste like junk.  A ceramic cup is the most common and widely accepted container, but it is not optimal.  The perfect espresso is served in a shot glass.  Believe me, it really does make a difference.  When you are in Italy, you will almost always have your espresso served in a ceramic cup, but utter two magic words when you order, and you will not only get it in a shot glass, but you will likely get a nod of respect.  The two words are ‘Al Vetro’.  Simply say ‘Caffe Al Vetro’ and you will get it in just about any bar in Italy.

How the Perfect Espresso is Made

So far I have talked about what to look for and pitfalls to avoid, but what makes an espresso from one bar better than another?  Or why is espresso typically better in Naples than Rome?  There are several factors:

The Beans

Remember when I said that the best American coffee is made with Arabica beans from certain countries?  The rules are different for espresso.  The other type of coffee bean is called Robusta.  It is actually a very cheap bean that is considered to be very low quality.  However, while it is only present in the worst American coffees (Folgers, Maxwell House, etc.), it must be in the blend for espresso.  Without it, your espresso will be missing all of its kick.

The Roasting

Roasting a bean for espresso is a very delicate process.  What we consider a very dark roast is still too light for espresso.  But if you ever have the opportunity to watch coffee beans roast, there is a critical moment, during which the beans go from extremely dark to burned.  It is almost a split second, but the moment it goes too far, the coffee loses all of its flavor.  Because of this, it is very easy to get a bad roast.  So high quality espresso comes at a premium because of the difficulty, and low quality is very common.

The Delay

Coffee goes bad very quickly, no matter how much you freeze it, vacuum pack it, or otherwise.  A high-volume bar that gets good locally roasted coffee will always have an advantage.  The stuff you get at Starbucks has long since gone stale.

The Machine

No matter how muh you try, no matter how much you spend, and no matter how fancy your home espresso machine is, it will never make a great espresso, period.  You can spend $10,000 on a professional grade machine, and you will still get substandard espresso.  It is all about how much it is used.  A bar that pulls 1,000 espressos a day will always have an advantage over one that pulls 500, so your fancy machine that pulls one or two a day doesn’t stand a chance.  Of course water temperature and pressure are major factors that will make a huge difference for those of you that spent $10,000 on the professional machine, but you better be ready to turn it on an hour early and prime it for a while before pulling an espresso to drink

The Water

Now here is a place where a small thing you can do will make a world of difference.  I often wondered why espresso was so different from city to city in Italy.  I finally asked a professional roaster, and he told me that if he would take the same machine and the same coffee, it would always be significantly better in Naples, more bitter in Rome, less full-bodied in Florence, etc.  Then he proceeded to tell me every nuance of the water in these places.  But since I only really cared to know why Naples was so good, it all boiled down to the fact that the water in Naples is slightly effervescent and has a high mineral content.  He told me that if I were to buy naturally carbonated mineral water (not San Pellegrino), that it would be much closer to that of Naples, even in a home machine.

We did it.  In our little personal Gaggia Espresso Machine, we began to use high quality coffee with mineral water instead of tap water.   I won’t lie and say it even comes close to what I get at a typical Naples bar, but our home coffee experience suddenly got significantly better.

That said, I’m afraid the only truly perfect espresso requires a trip back to Naples.  If you go, don’t forget to have the pizza, and bring me back some Buffalo Mozzarella while you’re at it!